Delirium

.thirty three

You did this to me...

You fucking did this to me...

So how do you expect me to stop? I can't stop.

Elliot, please...

I-I can't stop

Jan 23rd

Life's a bitch, but I already knew that from a young age. I knew it while I was sleeping on the hard dirty concrete of some alleyway. I knew it when the incident happened. I knew it when my mom was taken from me. I knew it when my adopted father happened. I knew it when life gave me everything I could've asked for after leaving the system and ripped it away from me as if it had all been some cruel joke.

And really that's all life is.

A fucking cruel joke.

Elliot is gone.

They sentenced him to life with his confession and took him out of the state to some Alcatraz-type prisons way across the country with no visitations or anything.

He was gone.

And I don't fucking know how I'm supposed to keep this promise to him because I can't live without him. I can't. I can't stay sober like this. I can't sleep like this. I can't eat like this, I can't fucking live like this...

A cruel fucking joke.

-It doesn't even matter anymore

~

"Cyan I need a drug test."

Cyan ignored Carter's words as he lie on the cold floor of his brother's bathroom, the door locked, preventing Carter from entering and the lights holding the male's attention more than whatever bullshit Carter was trying to pull.

Bullshit may not have been the word to use, Carter only doing what he felt was right, but Cyan refused to take something that he knew he would fail anyway. Not because there were drugs still in his system from before Elliott was locked up but because of the metal spoon and coarse white powder that lie on the counter.

"Cyan, listen, I know this is hard but you have to do better for yourself. Either you decide to do better or I'll kick this door down."

A groan escaped from Cyan's lips as he rolled off the ground and went to go hide the drugs that he had in the loose drain of the sink. Then he stuck the spoon in his pants and went to open the door. Carter stared at him distrustfully.

"What were you doing?"

"Taking a shit."

"You're lying."

"I'm not."

Carter pushed past Cyan into the bathroom and started checking the cabinets and drawers to find whatever he felt like Cyan was hiding but he wouldn't. Cyan had purposely broken the drainage of the sink to have a hiding place and Carter had yet to know about it yet.

Ever since the sentencing and Elliots departure, Carter had been more of a prison guard to Cyan rather than a brother. It was understandable, sure, but to force Cyan to stay locked up in a house with no ounce of privacy except for when he had to use the bathroom? Cyan could feel the bitterness towards him growing.