(Alexis' pov)
**********
God, what do I do. I can't keep moping around forever. But without Aksel these last few months, I don't know what to do with myself.
It's a certain feeling, not boredom but deeper. I'm not sure what it is exactly, but it's different and strange.
I rubbed my eyes, and took a long sigh.
I heard from the others that he had been talking to them, so it's not like he has a big problem with all of us.
It's just me.
Fuck! I miss Aksel, I can't not think about him whenever I'm not doing anything. Why does he hate me all of a sudden? I wish more than anything that I knew, so I could get rid of this horrible feeling. I don't know anything anymore. Nothing makes sense. I just want to have him back as my bestfriend, the only thing in the world that matters to me right now. I know I sound clingy and dumb as shit. But thats what I am anyway. He never even cared about me this much either, it's just me and my stupid emotions.
I wonder if I'll never talk to him again.
Wait, no don't think of that, whenever I think of that I start crying.
I don't know what to do anymore though, all I've been doing recently is think.
I fucking hate it. Wouldn't it be nice if I could get over it? He's gone now. It doesn't matter anymore, he doesn't matter to me anymore, I don't care about him anymore...
Wait, thats it. Yeah I'll just keep saying that to myself, I'll trick my dumbass brain into thinking it, yeah!
If I keep saying that then maybe I'll believe it.
Aksel isn't my friend now and I should just forget about him, he's not here and I don't want him to be. My mind is going to be clear of him. Maybe I will finally get a moments peace.
I picked myself up and stepped quietly out of my brick walled room and through the hallway to the front door. I grabbed my shoes which were sitting beside the doorway and opened the door slowly, careful not to wake anyone up. It was around 6 o'clock in the morning after all.
I stayed up all night, not being able to sleep. But everythings gonna change from today onward, I'm forgetting about Aksel and living the rest of my life. I haven't uploaded or done anything ever since he blocked me. I'm kind of an idiot, I don't need him at all, I have so many other friends and supporters to work with, who genuinely care about me, and wouldn't drop me just like that with no explanation.
I breathed in the fresh morning air, it had rained last night so it held that specific rain smell wafting throughout the town. The grass that messily lined my neighbourhood was dewy and glistened with the morning sun. And for the first time in these last few months, I smiled, knowing that the world still exists around me. An overhanging presence had swiftly taken me. I looked around, every living being was still living. I'm not sure why that was so shocking, maybe it's because all I was able to think about was Aksel, but knowing that there is so much more is just so beautiful.
Damn, I'm being cringe. But still, I feel as if some sort of new found respect for the world has rushed through me. A sudden realization that there is more.
There is more.
I think this walk has been so important for me, thats funny. All I really needed was a single thought and a walk around town to remind myself of the loving community around me and the people who still care.
3 whole months of feeling empty every single day, god I'm so dramatic. All I really had to do was think harder, I had been thinking a lot, but I only ever looked at it in a certain lighting. I don't need a bestfriend at all. I have me, and I have my family, and I have the rest of the world. Aksel means nothing, I don't know why I was so bummed, it's not like we broke up or something. It's different, it's a friend thing. He's not even that important.
I'm really glad I had this talk with myself, isn't it funny how I changed with just one thought? I feel so much better, even motivated! I'm gonna start working on a video the second I get back. I can't believe I spent all that time sitting around feeling bad, I have things to do around here. I'm so happy I changed my thought process today. He's gone, I don't need him, he's out of my life and I don't care about him at all. There is so much more!
So why do I still have that funny feeling in my gut?
Oh whatever, I'll just ignore it.
On my way back home, I felt my pocket buzz slightly. I hadn't heard from anyone in awhile because of my antisocial behaviour for the past while, I told my friends to leave me alone for a bit.
I slid my hand into my pocket and pulled out the device. Looking at my screen my heart stopped.
The caller ID read "aksel".
I froze in my tracks as I slowly typed in my password and read the message.
Aksel: hey do you have a minute
to talk?
——————————————————————————————————————————
quick thank you to everyone reading this right now!!
(yes i mean you, dear reader)
you all have been so kind with your votes and adding to your lists and shit!! you make me so happy :,) im almost at 1000 reads!
thank you for the comments especially!! it really motivates me to write more when i see them💕💕
(sorry for the short-ish chapter btw)
