A Letter From Heaven

Chapter 1. the unfortunate me

I got two small notebooks, just as Scarlet told me to. The first notebook was black with "reasons to die" written on it by me with the white paint and the second one was peachy (it was Scarlet's favorite color) with "reasons to live" written on it with the very same white paint.

I was experiencing this silly feeling as if a new phase of my life was about to begin. I suppose, that you understand what I'm talking about. You feel it when you're buying new clothes, change your haircut, rearrange furniture in your apartment or when you take up a new hobby. It's just an illusion of change. Some people enjoy feeling it, but I prefer not to. After what happened to me an illusion is not enough to begin something new in my life.

Either way, this feeling also took over me yesterday and something inside of me was sure that today's day was going to be different.

Wrong.

I woke up at 8:30 am as I always do, washed my face, noticed how circles under my eyes got bigger, had breakfast and started working. To be fair, what was I expecting? I'm lonely and depressed and all my friends are busy with work right now.

My life turned into a very boring closed circled: nothing changes except for my thoughts, which only get darker and darker. In addition, I'm working at home so the only cases when I go out are to buy some groceries or to visit my family. However, I started making the so-called night outings recently, when my head got too busy and heavy with thoughts. During such outings I usually wander around the city without any destination, enjoying the feeling of being lost and forgotten, and calming down because of the quiet atmosphere of the sleeping town.

I understand that I can't let myself sink into the state, when I'm 100% ready to press the trigger and leave because I haven't completed Scarlet's task yet. That is why when I'm feeling that my thoughts are going to take me down soon or that the darkness of my mind is crippling out of my head into the world around me, I go out to breathe with some fresh air and let the cool wind calm my thoughts down.

By the way, as to the Scarlet's idea...

I must confess that I'm a little skeptical when it comes to this plan of her. It's not because I think that it's silly or that I don't trust Scarlet, but it's just because I simply can't imagine myself what could make me want to live again.

The thing is that my type of pain and sadness is a very difficult one.

Let me explain: there are different types of sadness that a person may be feeling. There is saddens from being misunderstood and thus being isolated from other people, sadness from the loss of a loved one, sadness from feeling overwhelmed and stressed and a lot other types of sadness.

In my case, sadness is living inside of me because of a few reasons at once which is why my case is a complicated one.

Reason №1

I believe you have guessed this one already.

It's Scarlet's death.

Let me tell you a little bit about her.

As I said before, Scarlet was my everything. We have known each other for only 4 years, but we were closer than most of the couples, who have been together for decades. Scarlet was tall, slim, with long ginger hair, which she often tied with a pink ribbon. Her eyes were of a crystal clear blue color and her lips were plump and pink. She rarely wore any make up, only if she felt like wearing it, but she didn't even need it in my opinion. In my eyes she was always perfectly pretty with her natural looks and honest character. Her honesty was in fact one of the reasons why I fell for her.

She never changed. She was the same when we were in public and when we were alone for she never wore any masks. Crystal clear like her eyes. In our world, she was like a blooming flower in the middle of winter, like a sun ray on a rainy day, like a soft breeze on a hot day.

It could never be different. My love for her was inevitable, just a matter of time. Our love was inevitable.

I suppose, that Scarlet can be compared to morphine. When you take it, you feel pure euphoria as if the whole world is in your hands, you can fly in the stars and there's nothing that could stop you. Everything's happy, easy and ideal. I felt the same way with Scarlet.

But now she's gone and I can no longer get a new dose. And everyone knows what happens with drug addicts, when they can't get a new dose...

Reason №2

I only have 1 or 2 friends, which I see once in a month if I'm lucky. After what happened to Scarlet, it took a long time for me to be able to go out of my house again and they seem to have moved on from both of us. As if I was 6 feet under along with Scarlet.

Whenever I see a happy company of friends in the streets, I feel something painfully clenching in my chest because I long to have someone to laugh with. You never know how far from other people you are until you're feeling melancholy in a crowd of happy people. And there's an infinite amount of miles, separating you from them.

I'm not asking for much. Just 1 true friend, who I can talk to when the silence of my room is killing me.

Reason №3

I feel guilty for saying it but my family is not very supportive, so to say.

My father died back when I was toddler and my mother changed because of it. She doesn't approve the choice of my profession, what she keeps reminding me about time each time she sees me because she wished for me to become a lawyer, just like my dad. She also likes to remind me of my flaws and failures as if I can't notice them myself.

Nevertheless, my mother is not the worst...compared to my grandmother.

My grandmother is extremely religious and she keeps telling me that I'm a sinner and will burn in Hell. In reply to that, I call her Medusa because they both really have something in common, especially what grandma calls a "trendy haircut".

Reason №4

I'm different. Alone in both, my life and my thoughts. Except for Scarlet, I have never met anyone, who could make me feel like I'm not a weirdo, like I wasn't born in a wrong place and time and like I wasn't created to walk this path on my own.

Sometimes, when I gaze at the stars, I like to imagine that my future friend is looking at them too now. It doesn't make sense, but I feel better after it. All my life I was haunted by the feeling of longing for someone I never met so whoever this "someone" is, the only thing that might connect us is stars and loneliness.

I just want to know that there is some hope for me. A hope, that everything will get better.

I sighed heavily.

I just hope that Scarlet's idea will help me.