A Perfect Song

[20]

I decided to wait for Sam outside on the porch, I sat in the wooden chair, my legs wrapped in an old quilt that I found in the linen closet along with one of Jayce's flannel jackets.

The smell of burning wood filled the air, it was one of my favourite smells, something you only got the experience if you lived in the country. It would be awhile before I would smell this again and I certainly wouldn't get to experience fall in Hollywood.

I loved the changing colours, the crisp  air, sweater weather where you weren't hot but you weren't cold either, it was my favourite season.

I could sit outside all day watching the leaves fall, it was just so calming.

The sun had just began to set, leaving a golden sky with an array of purples and pinks just over the tree line. The horses were grazing in the field just below the sunset which painted the perfect picture, it was indescribable how perfect it was.

I sipped on my steaming tea and watched as Sam drove up, I gave her a wave and she parked, taking a second before she got out and joined me on the porch.

"Hey," she gave me a quick hug before taking a seat right beside me and grabbing enough blanket to cover herself, I chuckled.

"Hiyah," I held my tea out offering her a sip, she took it immediately and sipped it while she warmed her hands on the hot mug.

"So what did you need to talk about?" She took another sip and locked eyes with me while she waited for my response.

"Well you know that Jayce leaves in the morning," I began, she nodded along "well I realized that I didn't want to come here everyday to an empty house"

"You know you don't have to ask to stay at the apartment right? It's still your place" she interrupted, I shook my head "that's not it" I confirmed.  I could see it in her eyes that she was bothered and confused, Sam is and has always been someone who is blunt and doesn't like beating around the bush so when I do it, which is often, it bothers her.

"I have decided to go with Jayce to California and we'll be leaving first thing in the morning" I spat, I didn't want to drag it out so I just blurted it out.

Sam stared at me like she was in disbelief, she seemed shocked but not angry. I knew she would support me because she always has but I also knew that she would worry.

I just needed her support, so I knew that she was okay with it. It's not like I needed permission it's just I would feel better about leaving for so long if she was okay with it.

"Well, darn" she finally spoke up, "that's crazy" she smiled, I couldn't tell if it was a good response or not.

"Wow," she mumbled, handing my tea back she stood up scratching her head.  Sam paced the porch and scratched at her head lost deeply in her own thoughts, I was unsure of whether or not to speak up so I decided to remain silent.

Maybe this time I should have beaten around the bush rather than blurting it out, Sam probably thinks I'm making some irrational decision out of fear that I would be losin' Jayce and truthfully there was some partial truth in that.

What could I say, I was in love. With Jayce. And he didn't know that, at least if he did know it would be that he guessed it because I never actually said the words aloud. I wanted too, I did really. But I was scared.

The old me would have blurted it out without thinking as soon as I realized it or even felt a tiny spark of anything. But the me that's experienced what I thought was actual love and has gotten so hurt in the end knew it was best to just shut up and pray that if I never said anything all would be right in the world. I felt as if the second I let those three words escape my mouth everything would end and I would find myself alone again and I don't think I could handle that kind of hurt again.