I Can't Do This Without You

When You Were Human

Sam announces he's going to the shooting range in the basement.

Then, it's just Dean and Cas.

"Dean? Can I ask you a question?"

Dean motions for him to continue.

"Were we close when I was a human?"

Dean sighs. "For a long time, I didn't know you were human. I was praying to you for help and you would never come. Then, I think I hurt your feelings when I told you you were less helpful than you were detrimental to us as a hunter. But, yeah, I'd say we were close."

Cas steps closer, a bit too into Dean's personal space for his taste.

"You hated me, didn't you?" He sounds hurt and regretful.

"I didn't hate you," Dean corrects. "I... I don't know what I was feeling." "You did hate me." Cas says miserably, hunching his shoulders in on himself. It makes him look smaller, as fragile as the human he used to be.

"Cas..." Dean doesn't know what to say.

"No! Don't say anything!" Cas puts his hands up to stop Dean. "It's fine if you hated me, I'll just learn from my mistakes."

"It's not your fault if someone hates you. That just means they disagree with a major aspect of your personality, at that time. People change." Dean tries to explain.

Cas shakes his head. "I must've done something wrong."

"Why does it have to be you that makes the mistakes? Blame me for once!" Cas frowns. "I would never blame you. You're a good man. You do not deserve the weight of your life on your shoulders."

"That doesn't mean it's your fault! Damn it, Cas, when you were human, you learned that! You knew that sometimes there just isn't a right answer, that we humans try to live with ourselves, and most of the time, we fail, and we have to distract ourselves from the bitter fact of our existence."

Cas bites his lip. "Then, where does that leave us?"

Dean takes a deep breath. "I don't know. I just... I need you here, with me. I learned that much when you were human. I was so stupid! I kept sending you away, even though it hurt me. I was trying to protect Sam. protect you. Give you a chance at normal life. But I wish I hadn't sent you away." Dean is surprised by his own outburst, and bites his lip before he lets slip what is on the tip of his tongue.

"I don't think I would have wanted a normal life, at least, not without you. I don't remember it, but I know myself. I would never want to leave you, Dean." Dean sucks in a sharp breath. he can feel the words on his tongue, eager to be spoken. He's never spoken these words, not in all the time that they've been true.

'Don't say it. If you say it, he'll be angry. Things will always be uncomfortable between you two if you tell him. Don't say it, Dean. Don't you dare say it!' Dean tells himself, but he can feel the words triumph in their fight to escape.

"Cas, I..." the words stick in his throat momentarily, and then tumble out with the rest. "I love you."

Dean knows he's going to regret saying anything.

Yep, Cas looks horrified. "No, no. this is bad, very bad."

Dean's stomach drops. Cas looks at him concerned. "Most of Heaven already knows of my feelings, but if they know you reciprocate-"

"Wait, reciprocate? You... You feel the same?" Dean can feel his heart swelling into his throat.

Cas looks miserable. "Yes, and most of Heaven doesn't approve. After all, that's how angels like Beelzebub and Azazel fell- they overstepped their bounds and became too close to a human. That's how Nephilim are created, of course."

Dean can't believe what he is hearing. "So, you're only concerned that Heaven will punish you?"

"And you. They'll probably kill you with me. Some might even want to kill you in front of me, the sadistic bastards."

Dean isn't concerned. At least, not right now. Cas reciprocates his feelings! That's all that matters.

Cas looks at him, worry apparent on his face. "You need to stay in the bunker. It's the safest place for you to hide."

"Wait, hide? What about you?" Dean asks.

"I have to go right into the line of fire, it seems."