One Night in Paris

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Can

'Do you remember me?' I echoed the words from my made up story. There was a dreamlike ethereal quality to this moment and I was sure that, at any moment I'd wake up to the same pervasive emptiness of the last twelve months.

She turned to face me, eyes wide and waved her hands in front of her face. It was such a Sanem thing to do that my heart tripped over and I knew that this was real. After all this time... I wanted to fall to my knees and beg her forgiveness. I wanted to take her in my arms and kiss her lips. I wanted to inhale her intoxicating scent and never let her go. But I had no right to do any of those things. Not yet.

"Are you hungry?" was what I said instead.

"Evet" she whispered. Looking at me like she was seeing a ghost.

We walked out of the theater side by side.

I took her to a small cafe nearby. I spoke easily of inconsequential things trying to fill the unnerving silence as she looked over the menu and said nothing. Not a word.

"No manti in this menu I'm afraid, " I teased and was rewarded with a small smile. My heart thundered in my chest. So she did remember that long ago day and the made-up story of our first meeting. Desperately I searched about for a topic of conversation that would make her speak to me again. I'd give anything to hear her voice. To break this horrible tension.

That's when I noticed she was shivering in her wet gown. I quickly stripped off my jacket, got up, and placed it over shoulders. Her scent hit me like a ton of bricks. I quickly retook my seat before I did something embarrassing like burst into tears. Thankfully, the waiter came and took our orders before I made a fool of myself.

I continued my one-sided conversation while Sanem looked at me impersonally, like I was a stranger. The food came and as we ate, I asked her about her perfume launch and her time in Paris, the places she'd seen and the things she had done. She answered in monosyllables and my agitation grew. I knew I couldn't ignore the elephant in the room for much longer.
The last time she saw me I'd been angry, heartbroken and feeling like the world's biggest fool. I'd give anything to take back what I said that night.

I came to Paris to find her and beg her forgiveness. I had already forgiven her long ago but I didn't think about what I'd say or do. All I could think about was seeing her. Maybe I'd hoped, idiot that I was, that all I had to do was fall to my knees and apologize and she'd forgive me. Maybe the girl I knew would have but I didn't think the stony-faced woman sitting in front of me would be so easily persuaded.

We finished our meal in silence. My trepidation grew, the stones in my hands clicking in distress because my time was running out. Something told me she'd only come with me to the cafe because she'd been in shock at my unexpected appearance, but she was over her initial surprise and I had the awful feeling that when she left this restaurant she planned to never look back. My heart twisted viciously. I quickly paid the bill determined to convince her to come with me somewhere private to talk.

"Why are you here, Can?" she said into the tense silence.

She looked at me expectantly. I searched her face, looking for any sign of the love and affection I'd so stupidly thrown away.

"I'm sorry. I was wrong. So wrong. Please forgive me," I blurted out past the lump in my throat. Paltry, useless words.

She smiled without humor. I was simultaneously terrified and proud of this fierce, self-possessed Sanem.

"Forgive you? And if I do? What happens the next time I do or say something that goes against the Can Divit code of morals?"

"I've changed. I'm not the same man. Give me another chance to show you," The words sounded hollow, manipulative and insincere even though I meant every one of them.

"I'm not the perfect woman you made me out to be. I have many failings and faults and will undoubtedly do something to disappoint you or anger you again. So what then? Will you leave? Push me away and break my soul in half? I can't risk my heart like that again. I won't survive the next time," she said vehemently, eyes flashing.

Her angry words ripped a hole through me. It was too late. I was too late. I'd hurt her so much and at that moment I had never hated myself more. I stood up, knocking the chair over in my haste. I glanced around noticing absently we had attracted the attention of some of the other diners. I couldn't breathe. I wanted to roar like a wounded lion. I looked at this beautiful woman, the love of my life. I memorized every inch of her face, so remote and familiar all at once. I let the storm of emotion wash over me along with the memories of another time, another heartache. Long forgotten words were ripped from my chest once again:

"If you tell me to stay I'll stay. If you tell me to go I'll go and you'll never see me again."