One Night in Paris

Kötü Kral

I got attached to the bad king who broke my heart and left.

Sanem

He had changed over the past year.  He looked tired, he was darker and his hair was longer. He wore it loose now which gave him a slightly piratical look. He seemed to be the same charming, affable Can, full of talk and funny anecdotes.

Anyone looking in from the outside would see a gorgeous man easily conversing with his date, his charm out in full force. But I knew better. In some ways I knew him better than I knew myself, his agitation was clear to me in the way his leg bounced under the table, his rapid fire speech and the furious clicking sound of the ever-present stones in his hand. He still managed to keep up with both sides of our conversation since I could barely manage to utter a word.

 Outwardly I was calm, inwardly I was in turmoil. All the walls I painstakingly built after he left were crumbling with every one of his easy smiles, with every smoldering look he couldn't hide. I was trying frantically to build them all back up. I was scared, deathly afraid of letting him past my defenses. 

 Our meal was over, time was running out. I was afraid to go with him anywhere private, not because I was physically afraid of him but because I didn't know if I was strong enough to resist him. If he touched me I would fall to pieces. Damn him. Damn him for being so beautiful, for making me love him, for breaking my heart, for coming back here and upending my carefully built new life. I let the anger spread through me. Anger was better than surrender.

It was time to end this farce and I finally lashed out and asked the hard questions that had tormented me for the past year. I watched dispassionately as every single one of my words found their mark. His halting, nervous apology and tear tinged words were almost my undoing. I held onto my anger like if was a life raft. I fired back with my truth: I could not survive a next time.

He flinched and stood up abruptly, knocking over his chair in the process.

If you tell me to stay I’ll stay, if you tell me to go I’ll go and you’ll never see me again.

I said nothing.

“What are you thinking about?” he asked in a rough voice after a few moments as he blinked back tears.

I stood up and faced my pain, my heartbreak, the love of my life and I gave him back his words. The ones that had once split my heart wide open.

“I'm thinking about Can. His scent. His smile. His touches. His eyes. I want to kiss Can. Never let go of him. I want to keep him next to me. But you're not that man."

And this time I was the one who walked away.