One Night in Paris

Seni Seviyorum

Sanem

I don't know how long I'd been sitting by his bedside holding his hand. I was still wearing my wrinkled travel clothes. Doctors, nurses, anne, baba, Emre, Leyla came and went. The words coma, grave injuries, critical condition existed in the periphery of my mind but I rejected all of them. The sight of this vital man looking so diminished made me want to curl up in the fetal position and cry and if I started crying I feared I would never stop.

So I sat dry-eyed holding his hand. I read to him until my voice went hoarse, I talked to him constantly and I refused any attempts to take me from his side.

Days passed, I wasn't sure. Nothing else mattered but being next to him. I was convinced that I was his tether to life and in this, I was firm and unmovable. I was the rock he could cling to as he fought to hold on.

My friends and family came often. Ayhan tried to convince me to go home and sleep for a while and I suspected my parents had put her up to it.

"Sanemsie you need to care for yourself. You're starting to look like a scarecrow, when he wakes and sees you like this, it might give him a heart attack."

I smiled faintly, shook my head and went back to my vigil.

But my body eventually betrayed me and I fell asleep with my cheek resting on top of our entwined hands and I dreamt.

Children's laughter. A beautiful house on a hill filled with so much joy. Little voices saying:

Dad, we're hungry...

Can's deep laughing voice

I will make you crepes with lots of chocolate sauce...

Something pulled me out of my dream and I looked up blearily.

Oh

Can's eyes were looking right into mine.

I burst into immediate noisy, messy ugly tears. The only thing that tempered my reaction was the sight of Can trying to sit up to comfort me.

"No, no... you can't move!"

I called for the nurse and soon the room was flooded with people. I tried to stand back to let the doctors examine him but he refused to let go of my hand. He hadn't spoken a word but his eyes never moved from mine. When the doctor finally left, he patted the bed.

I shook my head.

"I can't, it could hurt you."

"I need you. Let me hold you," he said in a raspy voice. I climbed into bed carefully and tried to keep a bit of distance, a little embarrassed at my unwashed state but he was having none of it and after rearranging all the myriad things he was hooked up to, I cuddled closer and laid my head on his chest. He sighed deeply and promptly fell asleep.

****

"Hello, Deniz. I have you on speaker," I tried to keep my voice down as I made tea. Can was sleeping on the couch in his living room

"How are things going?" My ever so patient agent asked.

"He's much improved."

"Will you be coming back to Paris or..."

I didn't know how to answer her. Can and I hadn't spoken much about the future. The recovery had been arduous and he was tired and slept all the time. I was also avoiding bringing up anything serious until he was recovered.

"Soon," I said absently as I heard Can stirring. "I'll call you later, Bye."

I put the tea on the tray and headed to the living room. I found him sitting up and looking at me strangely. I put the tea down and hurried over to him

"Are you ok? Does something hurt."

"You've been here for a while. It's time for you to return, no? I mean your life is now in Paris."

I tried not to let the hurt show.

"Are you trying to get rid of me?" I asked incredulously.

"No, but I don't want to take advantage of your kindness. I'm better now. I can do for myself." He was looking anywhere but at me.

I stared at him for a full minute. He was telling me to go.

"Fine, then," I said feeling angry. I turned on my heel and stalked towards the door. I didn't even stop for my things. I was so mad I could hardly see straight. He was kicking me out. Unbelievable. I hadn't taken more than a few steps from the door when the haze lifted and things started to fall into place. He must have overheard my conversation with Deniz

Stupid beautiful foolish man.

I stalked back inside and found him sitting in the same spot with his face buried in his hands.

"Can."

He looked up with shining eyes.

"Why do you think I'm here?"

"Because I was ill and you're a good friend. But I don't want to hold you back anymore."

I stomped my foot, my anger returning.

"Hold me back? I yelled. "You idiot! I could have left a long time ago. I don't need your permission."

He stood up "I don't want your pity! I want... I want." He was staring at my mouth.

We were standing chest to chest now. His face lowered to mine. His hands on my waist. His breathing agitated. His voice breaking.

"I thought we could just be friends." He said, "but I can't. I love you so much Sanem and I want you to want to be here because I am. Because you can't be anywhere where I am not. Because you love me as much as I love you. I don't want you here out of obligation. You only came because of the accident."

My anger died a swift death in the face of his pain and insecurity.

I wrapped my arms around his neck, went up on my toes and brought his mouth to mine. "I pushed you away because I was afraid but I'm not anymore. When I tried to tell you this, it was too late, and the thought I'd never be able to let you know almost killed me. I'm not wasting anymore precious time. I am here because it's where I belong. With you. I never stopped loving you, Can," I whispered against his lips before I kissed him with all the love and passion in my heart.