the boy on the bridge ✔️

18. lonely boy

Chapter 18 — lonely boy

It is 2.18 am right on the dot. Josh is at the bridge. However, unlike all the previous night this week, he is alone on the bridge. He's been there for about four hours now, and he's still by himself.

He used to visit the bridge alone, sitting there in absolute silence, drowned within his own thoughts. He preferred it that way, to be by himself. It calms him down — or at least it used to.

Because right then being alone on the bridge, it only makes him anxious, restless — upset even. He stiffens, hearing even the slightest sounds, keep checking his surroundings every five minutes, checking his phone for the time even more frequently than that.

He never knew time can move so slowly.

Josh shouldn't be expecting anything here, he knows that. It's not like there was a promise, or a plan. He shows up and Elliot shows up and they talk. It is casual, nothing to it really. And so there shouldn't be any expectation here.

But Josh will be lying if he's not waiting with bated breath for a certain curly-haired boy to show up.

He doesn't.

Josh has been telling himself that he'll only stay for another ten more minutes and then he'll leave. That was about an hour ago. He keeps extending his ten minutes into another ten minutes and another.

Finally, he forces himself to stand up only when it's three. He scratches his neck unsurely and looks around, contemplating maybe if he should stay just for a little longer. He taps on his phone, pursing his lips — maybe he should have gotten his number or something. But just as the thought pops up, he shakes it out of his head.

And then he'll overthink if he should call or text and if he should do it first or wait until the other boy does first and how often he should– There he doesn't even have his phone number and he's already stressing out over it.

Sighing to himself, he turns around and leaves.

This is the first time the bridge has failed to provide with some sense of peace for him. He leaves troubled.

He returns the next day, trying not to look forward to anything, but filled up with hope anyways and once again he is let down. The bridge boy isn't there.

Josh swallows a lump of something very uncomfortable that lodges at his throat. He still stays at the bridge for a while — it's his place. It has always been his place — he goes there to be alone, and it calms him. Josh is not let going to let his crush on a boy change that; but it's too late, he thinks, as going to the bridge and not seeing him there upsets him.

Josh rubs a hand down his face, weary — yeah, this is exactly what he needs in his life right now.

He returns to the bridge the next day too, and then the next and next. Elliot never shows up. And Josh tries not to be disappointed, but each time he is disappointed all over again.

Josh starts to hate going to the bridge — the one place that used to soothe him. But still he can't stop himself from going there. And as days passes by, and Elliot doesn't show up, the pesky brain of his starts to overwork itself, activating very much discouraging and unpleasant thoughts.

He tries to not pay much attention to them, but they grow bigger and louder and Josh has no choice but to entertain them gradually.

He doesn't want to talk to you anymore.

He probably got bored of you.

He finds you annoying.

He is ignoring you.

Josh does realise that this is all just his insecurities rearing its bad head, and that it's probably not true, but that doesn't mean it doesn't affect him. There is a difference between realising something and actually believing in it.

He tries to contradict his anxiety by invoking more probable reasons for his absence: maybe he is not feeling well, and can't leave his house, maybe he has some other important work to do. They are all reasonable things and could very well be why he is not coming to the bridge.

It helps quieten down his insecurities to some extent, although Josh is still somewhat queasy whenever he visits the empty bridge. The bridge has always been abandoned — that is what he likes about the bridge the most. But right then it just feels more abandoned, as if that's even possible.

As best as Josh is trying to ward off his negative thoughts, bit by bit it becomes harder too. Especially one unavoidable doubt enters his head. There's no way he can reason that away.

What if he's left town?

He came suddenly, he could have left suddenly too.

Josh has no idea how to block that thought. And as a week passes by, and he still haven't seen or heard from the bridge boy, it becomes the only thought that occupies his mind.

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