Ambivalent • DazaixReaderxChūya

16. Chilling and killing my Annabel Lee

When you had gotten in to the Port Mafia headquarters, you immediately went up to your room to clean yourself up and find new clothes. You were tired, and you needed a moment to yourself. Being back in your room, every piece the way you left it - even the necklace from Chūya sat on your counter untouched - brought back the urge for the same routines, the same numbing strategies. Except, now you didn't want to be numb. Despite your avoiding Chūya, you wanted to explore with him, and even with your claim to hate Dazai now, sometimes your mind would linger and remember the fire you felt with him on the bed you had been cuffed to previously.

Maybe I want to care for the right thing without sacrificing all I've become.

You sigh and sit down on your bed, looking at your freshly wet, [h/c] hair fall against your face, your [e/c] eyes staring back at you mirroring exhaustion. You touch your face with a frown, noticing all the tiny imperfections. Lowering your gaze, you could see scars across your shoulders and chest, and you knew the rest of you was in the same condition. You weren't necessarily unhappy, but you were very conscious of how you looked and were since you joined the mafia.

I did this for myself, but without my daily drinks, how much have I really come to terms with?

Wearing a burgundy turtle-neck sweater and long black pants, you fall back on your bed, reaching for the usual spot you kept your over coat to keep you warm. It wasn't there of course, you had lost it being capture by the agency, so you frown a bit, disappointed with the reality. You closed your eyes and listen to your own breathing, the silence comforting, trying to clear your mind.

"[f/n]"

You open your eyes and turn your head to face the opened doorway, light from the halls making your visitor's figure look like a shadow to you. A long dark coat, sharp grey eyes, it was unmistakably Akutagawa. You feel unease settle in you, and you wait for him to keep talking. You and Akutagawa never talked, and after you got into the black lizard, it was like you didn't exist to each other, other than the moments you were forced to be together and anything but pretty words were exchanged. Ever since the explosion incident, however, he had been less cruel than his abusive tendencies from when you first got to the mafia.

"Get up"

You turn so you're fully on your back again, ignoring his demand.

"[f/n], stop being stupid. You're needed in the underground chambers"

This time you sit up, looking at Akutagawa questioningly. You hadn't expected to be needed so soon, and you had thought you'd be questioned by the boss at least once, or by Chūya.

"There's a prisoner that was caught dealing with the rogue you killed. We need to make sure it was just them. I've roughened him up, but he's got incredible pain tolerance. You'll use your ability instead. Since you've never used it for torture I'll be there to watch."

Torture?

You try not to let your hesitation show as you get up and reach for a pair of warm, black gloves in one of your drawers, putting them on quickly and walking towards Akutagawa.

"My ability is not meant for being used for long periods of time. I wear the warmest clothes I have and I've grown more resilient to its affects, but it is meant to make both ends suffer." You say, pushing past him to walk in front, not wanting to always fall behind with him.

"You're still weak if you can't control your own ability." Akutagawa says, walking behind you unbothered.

You pause, turning back and watching the demon that is Akutagawa catch up, an anger in you at hearing him utter words spoken before.