Ambivalent • DazaixReaderxChūya

21. Day's Last Visit

You had let Dazai and Kyouka take you back to the agency, and there you were directly placed in the infirmary you had become so familiar with. An hour later, Yosano dropped by to give you some medicine and hook you up to an IV. Kyouka stayed with you the whole time, even when Atsushi advised her against it because you, apparently, could bring back unnecessary memories. She insisted that you needed someone that understood you, by you to keep you calm. Most of the agency was displeased to keep you with them once again, but none of them protested to at least trying to assist you in your health. Especially Yosano, who once she got started in trying to figure out a way to restore your body temperature and rid you of your fever, refused to stop until she succeeded.

You went through a lot of testing that day, and eventually nightfall came. Kyouka ended up going home with Atsushi, and Yosano had left you connected to an IV for good measure, reassuring you that she'd be back early the next morning to continue searching for a solution. You were left on the clinic bed, covers overtop to keep your temperature from dropping overnight, one arm out with the IV attached. Because of the testing, you had been changed into a hospital gown.

The only thing illuminating your surroundings now, was the pale glow of the moon outside, ever so often covered by the clouded skies form the rain of the day. The room seemed hauntingly empty, Yosano's tools twinkling when the light hit them perfectly while the corners seemed endless in the shadows. It was all perfectly still, perfectly silent, except for the slight rustle of footsteps at the door. Your eyes stay glued to the door as all sound stops, and there's a slight hesitation before it slowly creaks open.

"Dazai"

The bandaged brunette's lean form stands at the doorway, his usual beige coat gone, his azure bolo tie gleaming, and his hair tousled in a way that made him look much more playfully attractive. Dazai looks at you and smiles softly, striding towards you after he hears you say his name.

"I thought you might be sleeping by now...I wanted to make sure you were-"

"Still here?"

"No...that you were ok" Dazai finishes his own sentence, correcting your assumption. He gets to your bedside, pulling up a chair next to you and looking you over in your state. You feel a light blush cover your cheeks. For all the trouble you had caused, it still surprised you that Dazai hadn't lost any of his confidence in you, and the emotion he let his eyes show as he looked at you was a gift.

"I think you've done more than I deserve..." you say, recognizing you'd always treated him and the agency so poorly, you still didn't understand why Dazai was able to forgive and forget so easily.

Why.

"What? Did you think 'some devious piece of shit' like me wouldn't still believe in a more beautiful life for you?"

Your heart stops when you hear Dazai repeat the words you had called him the last time you'd seen him. You sit up with your head turned completely, a small bit of fear in your eyes when you meet his. All you could think was if you had misread everything since you'd arrived. Did he only treat you the way he did because he felt forced to in front of the rest of them? You knew he was known for his tricks, but you didn't think you'd let yourself believe it so foolishly. Searching his eyes for any resentment, you found nothing but amusement.

"Relax, [f/n]! I'm only teasing you, I-"

"Dazai. I'm sorry. I thought I hated all you stood for, I thought they were all lies and games meant to use me for my ability...or for your own entertainment...." you interrupt his sentence, deciding he at least deserved an apology from you if you were going to keep insisting for help. Dazai's face went from cheery to an empathetic look of understanding, a glint of curiosity passing through the warmth of his brown eyes.

"And now?" He asks, trying to read your expression further, trying to answer his own question before you could open your mouth.

"What?"

"Don't leave me hanging, [f/n]! You're apologizing for an instinct you couldn't control. I understand getting the lines of right and wrong blurred together, trust me...but...I want to know what you think now. That's what matters." He clarifies, the intensity of his look growing.

What do I think now?

"You knew more about me than I ever did...you've been right this whole time and I-"

"[f/n]" he stops you, one of his fingers pressing gently on your lips meant to shush you. Dazai tilts his head slightly and gives you a small smile with a low, soft chuckle. He takes his hand away before he continues talking.

"I know that already. What do you think of..me, now"

You?

You've always been gorgeous...too beautiful for me to think anything could be genuine, like a dream. But dreams are also filled with illusions...a trick of the light...

Just out of reach

But I'm not afraid of what you could be anymore

"You...you're..." you freeze up, unable to form words to respond to Dazai's question.

Dazai listens to you struggle to answer, a smirk tugging at his lips as he leans in a little closer to you.

"It's ok, you don't have to know right now" he says, leaning up to your ear and pausing before whispering, "I'll make sure you know soon though, don't worry. We won't be interrupted next time."