MIDNIGHT BLUE // gawsten

1.0

awsten was shaking. of course that wasn't the worst of it, but that was the only thing that was visible when it came to the anxiety he was feeling about going to otto and geoff's apartment. as he was driving he would occasionally sneak a glance at himself in the rear view mirror and cringe at what was looking back at him. his skin that was too pale, the sunken eyes, the bruise around his left eye that was just getting worse, all sat below his hair that was still bright blue. even after all that time he was still the same.

there were a lot of worries in that stupid head of his as he walked to the door, limping just a little bit. it was 5:30 by now, so geoff was back from work. awsten was mostly worried about that. he hasn't seen geoff in about a year and somehow he had only gotten worse when he was supposed to get better once he finally musters the courage to see him again. either way it was happening, thats why awsten was holding his breath as he knocked on the door.

"awsten?" it was geoff who answered, with a sad smile on his face when he met awstens eyes. every bit of self control that the two had was centered around not crying or hugging each other, or both. the backpack on awstens shoulder full of things started to feel heavier and heavier as the seconds passed.

"you look,"

"like shit?" awsten finished geoff's sentence, laughing a little at his appearance.

"no, you look exactly the fuckin same. it's just a little different now." geoff admitted, scratching the back of his head searching for words.

"you can come in, i think otto's cleaning shit, but yknow." he continued talking, not realizing just how hard it was to find the right words and gather himself.

it was then that the two boys sat on the couch in silence, and it was awkward to say the least. awsten was bouncing his leg fighting every single impulse that was bouncing in the back of his head whether it being saying something, crying, or just fucking kissing geoff. everything was jumping off the walls in his head, but on the outside he was small and shaky.

it wasn't until otto appeared in the kitchen that any words were shared.  despite the fact that he was excited for the three of them to be together again, he also just wanted something to happen and if it meant forcing this on geoff and awsten, then so be it.

otto knew exactly what he was doing as well. he wanted geoff to answer the door in the hopes that the two would just go back to the way they were. of course it didn't happen that way, so he would have to try other ideas.

"so were you guys just going to sit like that until i came in?" otto blurted out, leaning against the doorway and looking knowingly at the pair. "you guys know you can talk to each other, right?" it was almost funny how the two instantly jumped into a more anxious state than they were in before.

"alright, fuck it. i'm gonna say some dumb shit." awsten said, shifting a little to look geoff right in the eyes. "remember when i was seventeen and i told you that i loved you? it just sort of slipped out on accident and i panicked but you said you loved me too and it felt like everything clicked? i was terrified. i didn't think love existed and even if it did i sure as hell thought i would never fall in love because i didn't deserve it. and remember when i didn't sleep for three fucking days and didn't leave my room for two weeks but you didn't give up on me? you're literally the reason i'm standing here right now and i'm still so mad at myself for spending an entire year being angry at you for not giving up on me. this is terrifying. worse than anything because these past fifteen minutes i've wanted to cry, scream, punch something, kiss you, and get all these pent up feelings out. it's been a year. an awful fucking year." he snapped, pacing around in front of the couch by now, tears streaming down his face because of course they are. "and i still fucking love you."

"awsten,"

"nope. not finished. remember when we'd meet up and you'd call me sweet boy and i'd call you lovely and it was like we'd known each other for years but it was only those few months at that time. you're still lovely to me. i wish i could still text you and say hello lovely like i used to. you dyed my hair when i first went blue and i keep it like that because of course i fucking love it and it reminds me of you. i almost shaved all my hair off just because it made me think of you. and remember when you saw all the stupid fucking scars on my body from everything that fucker did to me? the burn marks, the glass bottles, the hands. we both cried like idiots but were were in love and it didn't matter because it was all in the past and i had something close to a lifeline that wasn't attached to that thing that still keeps me up at night. and look at me now. i fell into the exact same trap with someone exactly the same as that fucker and i'm basically living those years from fourteen to sixteen all over again. im nothing more than a lost fucking cause and i'm a mess and i don't deserve you but you still haven't given up on me and now that we're in the same room we won't even talk because we're both too scared. yeah, i still remember every little thing you do and understand your body language perfectly."

"awsten listen to me," geoff interrupted, grabbing his wrist, but not hard enough to be aggressive. it still caused awsten to flinch, but only a small bit. "sit down and let me talk, love." at this point otto had left the room, leaving them to sort things out and it was just geoff and awsten alone. the silence was almost unsettling as the two made eye contact. once again, it was like things were starting to click. awsten has that aching feeling like he did something horrible but geoff was so fucking glad he was finally able to say everything. so the younger of the two sat down. he wasn't shaking anymore, the thoughts bouncing off the walls of his skull were let out, or at least some of them were. and there geoff was, ready to say everything he needed to, hoping that even though things seemed okay they could be patched up tonight.

"remember when i hugged you for the first time and you told me that was the first time you didn't flinch or tense up when somebody touched you? i spent that whole night worrying what that meant but i kept it in the back of my mind because you're so much more than anything that ever happened to you. i noticed every time you treated yourself like a lost cause and i never once saw you as that because you're everything to me.  i was just living my life and one day you appeared and it was almost like love at first sight.  and every single day the sight of you lying there on the floor barely breathing haunts me. your hands were so fucking cold and the first time it happened it felt like i couldn't even breathe. i felt like an idiot for not being there for you more, and i felt so fucking stupid that i never just told you how fucking worried i was. you were destroying yourself and i didn't want to hurt you so i never said anything and then the second time you were lying on the floor nearly dead with nothing more than a note saying i love you and goodbye i couldn't take it anymore and i thought it was my fault and that being around you just hurt you more. but all i fucking did was send you spiraling even more. i still love you and you're still so beautiful and you're still my sweet boy. and"

"geoff it wasn't your fault."

"awsten just let me tell you that i fucking love you and i'm sorry and i'm glad you're here and you can get better and that you're not a lost cause."

"can i do something kind of stupid really quick?"

"awsten." geoff was cut off by lips against his. his hands running through awstens hair and everything really clicking into place. hands that weren't evil and lips that's weren't angry or dirty, just lips against each other and hands against jaws, hair, stomachs, reaching up and not saying anything about the realization that awstens ribs were definitely sticking out.  fingers shaking but almost in a good way, anxiety turning into an adrenaline rush becoming something that was meant to happen awhile ago.

"you have no idea how long i wanted to do that." awsten whispered.

"trust me, sweet boy, i do."