𝙵𝚛𝚘𝚖 𝚆𝚑𝚎𝚛𝚎 𝙸 𝚂𝚝𝚊𝚗𝚍 | 𝐃𝐔𝐍𝐊𝐈𝐑𝐊 [Collins]

Chapter 32 - I Shouldn't Have Missed It

(revised)

The train slowed down as it entered London and it was then that I finally saw the impact of war on my country. London had suffered and its wounds were still open; gigantic holes could be seen where bombs had landed, skeletons of buildings were standing where houses used to accommodate families, a whole line of facades was hiding nothing but an empty field, a spectacle of desolation. Suddenly my heart raced at the thought that my home could have been blown away too, that my family could have been hurt during my absence and I would have no idea it had happened. I had received no answer to my telegram, even if I did not really have the time to. I had no idea if someone would be waiting for me at the station.

The more the train decreased its speed, the faster my heart was beating, the heavier my breathing became. I closed my eyes and silently prayed for everyone to be safe, digging my nails into the flesh of my palms to erase the feeling of sickness that had taken over me since stepping into the carriage. I did not know how to apprehend my return, torn between the excitement to see Freya again and the fear that she would not be there to welcome me. When I opened my eyes again, the sky had darkened and raindrops were crashing onto the glass of the window, blurring the life that was happening out there, the flags hung at the windows, the posters celebrating peace. Life was going on, even among the ruins; the world had never stopped spinning and it was telling me that it did not care I was coming back today. I was already lucky to be alive.

*

Every second waiting felt like an hour and Tomas started to show signs of irritation, moving about in my father's arms, whining for me to take him, but I could not. I felt sick in my stomach and a lump had formed in my throat the moment I had started getting ready to go to the station. I was dreading the moment Andrew would discover Tomas, fearing his reaction the most. Would he be happy or scared? Would he know it was his child or think I had cheated on him while he was away? Would he give me time to explain? I hoped he would trust me; he had to. I had always been faithful to him,even as a widow, I had always kept him in my heart, I had done so thinking I would never see him again. They had told me I would never see him again, they had destroyed all hope from the very beginning and I had almost given up, I had abandoned him and I would never forgive myself, but I would make amends for it.

I knew this reunion would be different from everything I had dreamed of before the accident. I had imagined the moment Andrew and I would be reunited for good, the war belonging to the past. It would have been the start of a normal life, the time to start our own family. But things were different now. We had become a family before we could even think about it together, and we would never retrieve the years we had lost. I could not imagine what a shock it would be for my husband. I did not know how to tell him. I had not slept the night before, thinking about the right words I could use, how to introduce Tomas, when to let him see his son, but there were no right words, there was no perfect timing. I was just hoping he would know.

My legs were shaking and my hands were sweaty. I started playing with my wedding ring as I fixed my eyes on the rails in the distance, waiting for the train to arrive, feeling like I was about to faint at any time. I could not believe he was alive, I was scared it was all a dream and I would wake up at some point and be left with an aching heart. What told me this letter was telling the truth this time? Trust my instincts, it was what I had to do, and they told me he was coming back to me.

When the locomotive appeared at the end of the track, I closed my eyes and held my breath. I refused to believe he was alive before I had seen him, heard him and touched him so I was sure he was not the result of my imagination, so I knew I could let go. I squeezed my necklace in my hand and I prayed not to wake up from that dream, waiting for the train to come to a halt before allowing myself to open my eyes.