𝙵𝚛𝚘𝚖 𝚆𝚑𝚎𝚛𝚎 𝙸 𝚂𝚝𝚊𝚗𝚍 | 𝐃𝐔𝐍𝐊𝐈𝐑𝐊 [Collins]

Chapter 35 - A New Start

(revised)

The day he had left had been really hard. I had thought I would never have to say goodbye to him ever again, but life was not kind, and I had had to let him go one more time.

He had refused to let me walk to the train station with him. He had said that it reminded him too much of the times he had to go back to war and pray it would not be the last time he would see me, and that he would not be able to ignore the pain it had caused us. This time, he already knew when he would come back to me and so, he said it was different. He was not going to fight, at least not a real enemy. There was no need to cry, he had told me, for he would not disappear this time. He promised.

He had hugged me for a while nonetheless, so tightly, his chest against mine, his fingers playing with my hair. He had something to say, something he hesitated to share because he was still not at ease with the idea to appear vulnerable, for fear he would crumble if he revealed even just one of the cracks caused by the war.

He had remained silent, not that it meant he was not sad to leave. I had got used to his silences and learnt to interpret them. All those words he kept for himself, those emotions he did not express verbally, he conveyed them physically, in gestures. His fingers pulling on my cardigan to draw me towards him, his eyes never looking away, always fixed on me. His deep, slow breaths in my ear that gave me the reassuring feeling I needed. His arms, loosening around me before he tightened his embrace again, showing he wanted to stay like that a little longer. It was enough to prove me of his affection. I knew he loved me and cared about his family. I knew it in the way he had kissed me tenderly, truly, until he had no choice but to leave me. I knew it when I had seen him kiss Tommy's cheek without restraint, his hand holding his small head as a father would do to make sure he would not hurt his child.

Then he was gone.

The moment his cab had turned at the end of the street, I had been choked with a terrible feeling of emptiness, one I knew just too well, and it had not left me since. I knew it would never vanish until he would come back. I would have to deal with it until then.

He would be gone for an entire month, and he had asked everyone not to visit him during his first two weeks at the centre. He wanted to be sure to focus on his health, and even if he had reckoned it would be tough, he was also conscious that healing required time and sacrifices, even more when it came to the mind.

I respected his wish, but those two weeks were the longest weeks I had ever had to go through in my life. Every minute spent in our flat without him felt like an hour, for even if our last memories together in this place had not been the most joyous ones, he was my soulmate, and it was only when he was by my side that I felt complete.

I had no idea how I had managed to spend so much time without him before, how I had survived his absence without dying of a broken heart. I would try my best to think about something else; fulfil my role of a mother, work all my shifts at the pub, spend time with Eden, immerse myself in my books ... but every time, my thoughts took me back to him. I would put on his old shirt every night to go to bed, tugging on the sleeves and pressing the fabric to my nose just to be able to smell his perfume. He was always on my mind, and I spent every minute of my day hoping he was fine there, worrying, until I finally received news from him.

"My darling Freya,

It feels weird to write to you after such a long time.  The last time I wrote you a letter, it was to tell you I was alive and I would make it home to you, but it never reached you, and I made it home years later...

This time, you can be sure I'll get back to you and for good. I never want to leave your side ever again.

I hope you're doing well and that my mother is helping you with Tomas.