Before You Go

chapter thirty-two

Eliza

By the time Leon and I arrive back at the house, we're both physically and mentally exhausted.

I'm happy that the truth has finally been exposed, but now it's only complicated my situation. Hearing Leon say he still loves me, that he never stopped loving me, has caused the old emotions to become stronger, and they mix like oil and water with my feelings about James. Now, I'm in dire need of a decision to be made. Although I love James, Leon's magnetic pull is strong.

"Are you okay?" Leon asks. He turns to face me as we stand on the front porch of the carrier house. It's strange to walk him to the door and no longer want to smack him silly for lying to me and ghosting me for two months, but all the confusing pieces now fit together. And I've realized that this situation we're now in wasn't entirely his fault. Tenille was right when she asked me why I didn't put in the effort to contact him. I gave up too soon. "Thanks for helping bring in my stuff from the hike," he adds.

I glance down at the couple of extra sweaters. I keep trying to convince myself that I offered to help him carry his stuff back to the house out of the goodness of my heart, but I know it's a lie. Now that everything makes sense, it's difficult to resist his magnetic pull. It's difficult to resist the past we share and explore what could have been. The truth is, I want to spend more time with Leon. "It's no big deal," I reply, my voice timid. "And I'm okay, yeah."

"Liz," he says. "It's okay if you're not. I know I've sprung...a lot of information on you, and I'm sorry for that. But I had to tell you the truth."

My heart splinters off when he calls me that, like no time has passed at all, like we're still reckless teenagers and he's still my boyfriend. I drop my eyes to the sweaters in my arms, to the wooden floorboards of the porch, to any surroundings that seem entirely irrelevant at this moment, anywhere but his face. I've never been stuck in a love triangle before – for the longest time, Leon was the only man I loved. So how am I supposed to make a decision? How do I decide between two men that I'm in love with?

Feeling bold, I swallow hard and look into Leon's familiar eyes. Instantly, I'm shrouded with warmth and happiness; a shield that protects me from the hurt and pain and anxiety I feel in my stomach. It's the same feeling I get whenever I look into his eyes, whenever I remember how important Leon was to me. For as long as I can remember, he's felt like home. I'm compelled to answer him honestly, to tell him that I'm far from okay, that I miss him and that I'm sorry for not putting in enough effort despite him ghosting me, that I'm proud of him for overcoming his unstable emotions, but I can't form the words on my tongue.

"I'm okay," I lie. "Honestly. I'm just...Things were a little overwhelming. I need some time to process what's happened."

Leon adjusts the hiking gear in his arms and nods. "I understand. It...It is a lot to take in." He pauses and glances at the door behind him. "We should probably get a move on. More of your family members are coming tonight and people are probably wondering where we are at this point."