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The Journey of My Pregnancy: A Short Memoir

My name is Kayla. This is the story of how I found out I was pregnant. It all started when I was invited backstage after one of the hottest band's concerts. Of course, as soon as I got there each of the band members were completely and utterly obsessed with me, the most average girl in the world. But could I blame them? No, I couldn't, I'm pretty hot to be honest. The night quickly took a turn when I found myself lying underneath the lead singer of the band as he penetrated my maiden hole with his abnormally large member. Next thing I knew, I fell asleep. My journey didn't end there however, when the next morning I found myself in my car making unprotected love to the drummer. The whole night and morning were spectacular, they were all of my wet dreams come true. It was a divine experience.

I continued my whirlwind romances with all four members of this band, until my joy was abruptly interrupted by hearing the news that I was pregnant! I did not even have to take a test in order to find out, because my mother simply knew, through some sort of telekinesis or something like that. Though I should have felt shock, I simply shrugged it off and accepted it. My mother, acting on poor advice in a moment of weakness, sent me out of the house. Though I felt resentment towards her, I was perfectly fine because I could move in with all of my lovers within the band, who by this time had completely halted their tour midway through and bought a house in the city that I live in just to cater to me. The only problem I faced however, would be choosing from the four magnificent men who adored me which one could have the honor of being fathering my child.

I continued on an amazing journey with all four of the men who all felt a deep, burgeoning love for me as I went on romantic dates on each of them and, since I was already pregnant, engaged in guilt-free, unprotected sex with each of them which, of course, caused great emotional problems between everyone involved in this strange love pentagon. But I did not care whatsoever, for I was simply on top of the world at this point, living my life with four men whom I was deeply in love with as they reciprocated the same feelings back. My life was complete, or so I thought, but in reality I was engaging in numerous unhealthy relationships at a time in my life when I should have been focusing on the child I was going to have, but instead of doing that I continued to have sloppy sexual relations with four different men in dirty restaurant bathrooms because it was fun.

It was at some point along this journey that I had made my first real human friend, as well as my first and only sworn enemy, all in the same place. As I ventured out into the real world for once, I met two young women named Ella and Maya. We instantly bonded and over the course of several hours became practically inseparable. This close friendship was hindered, however, when Maya, whom greatly admired the band I was pursuing every single member of, learned that I was the catalyst in the band's disappearance from society. Our friendship quickly became hateful, and we became sworn enemies. Despite this, I continued a healthy, communicative, and supportive friendship with Ella.

My pregnancy advanced, as I continued all four of my relationships as well as a fifth one with a separate man that had begun at some point along my journey. I had setbacks within relationships such as the other person cheating and lying, or different opinions regarding the ethnicity of one person, but I never gave up hope that I would find a sufficient father figure for the child that was about to come into my life.

Once my daughter was born, I was burdened by the realization that I had just pushed an ugly, tiny human being out of my uterus and into the world. Though I tried to leave it with the doctors at the hospital, they insisted I take it home. The trauma of giving birth was of course coupled with the responsibility to raise a human for eighteen years and, more importantly, the stress of still not knowing whom I wanted the father to be. By now, the previous four handsome and musically gifted suitors were joined by a fifth, long-haired and British suitor, Harry Styles, whom I met at a wild party that my close friend Ella had thrown.

After returning home from the hospital, I came to a realization that, in fact, none of my suitors were meant to be the father of my child. Instead I, for the first time in my life, valued my healthy female friendships over sex-riddled unhealthy relationships and chose my best and only friend, Ella, to officially be the father of my child. However, I was quickly brought back to my senses when the bald suitor, Michael, called me a strange pet name and I realized that I must spend the rest of my life devoted to him.

This leads me back to today, where I am now with my first born, Kaylani, eight other children, and loving bald husband of fifteen years. Life is spectacularly wonderful. Everything worked itself out in its own unrealistically convenient way, and I am quite happy. Though at the start of my whirlwind journey I had a turbulent, hate-filled family life and was completely unaware that I have a sister, I have since accepted my wretched old hag of a mother back into my life as she is a wonderful person and I realized that my hatred of hers was always unjustified. I have built a close and loving relationship with my sister, whom I unfairly backstabbed early on in our relationship when i embraced the man who cheated on both of us with each other right in front of her, but we have since moved on and grown together. As for my female best friend, Ella, who I at one point considered being the father of my children, she developed a severe alcohol addiction and found support and guidance in a previous lover of mine, (whom I still believe is Chinese, though he won't stop denying it) Calum, who struggled with a cigarette addiction himself (a/n: yes i really dragged him like that dont @ me), and eventually ended up marrying him.

As for my late sworn enemy, Maya, she sadly died from AIDS-related illnesses after being infected with the virus from having relations with my father. When I first heard the news, I dare say I was gleeful, as I thought of Maya as a jealous, whorish girl whom I hated and thought deserved the awful ending that she received. Despite this, I have since changed my perspective. I now understand that Maya was really a victim of emotional and sexual abuse as a child, which caused her to have an extremely low self-esteem, as well as depression and PTSD. She was extremely suicidal, in fact after the boob-assaulting incident which both I and my sister Kaitlyn now deeply regret inciting, she attempted suicide so many times that she was under close watch in a mental hospital for weeks. If I had one regret in my abslolutely glorious life, it would be my treatment of Maya. As for my disgusting father, the maid (whom he originally planned to elope with) left him after finding out of his encounter with Maya. My mother filed for divorce and, for obvious reasons, recieved the house, custody over me, and a considerable amount of money from him. My father is still alive, sadly. He now lives in a one-bedroom condominium unit in Ann Arbor, Michigan. I allow him to see his grandchildren, but I keep contact to a minimum. However, I know that he is rapidly dying due to his illnesses and that all of his medications can only work for so long, and as I am no longer a spiteful, unforgiving person I want him to have the best relationship with his grandchildren as the self-serving asshole possibly can.

Ah, yes, that finally brings me to the state of his grandchildren, my children. My first-born, Kaylani, was born with a strange birth defect that caused her to never be able to grow hair, which some may view as a burden however I think it brings her closer to her bald non-biological father and the love of my life, Michael. She is living happily as a lesbian with her lesbian girlfriend, Gaye. My seven youngest are all doing well, and then there is my second-born, Kim, who is now going through a similar experience to me. She is currently pregnant at only fifteen years old, younger that even I was when I was first pregnant. We are all in support of her through this difficult yet extremely rewarding experience, as she goes on a path of self-discovery and growth.

a/n: wowzers!! i love coming back to this account and reading the stories i wrote when i was a little youngin who loved to write sarcastic ass stories. this story specifically will always hold a special place in my heart. i wrote it at some time later in middle school, when i was past the phase of unironically reading 5sos fics and could instead make fun of them in the awful mess that is this sarcastic fanfiction. my writing was,,,, not that good, but i still love the attitute i had when i was writing from the perspective of the lord and savior herself, kayla. i dont really know where this memoir/sequel or whatever it is came from, i guess i was just thinking of this one day and suddenly this beauty spewed on out from my mind onto my computer. i really love this actually. i always wrote kayla as not at all self-aware and completely self-centered because, well, it was a sarcastic fanfiction and i wanted to imitate all the worst parts of protagonists of actual fics, respectively. but i really liked doing a thing where i made her actually self-reflective of her actions and grow as a person, or whatever idk man. my writing has defo improved a lot too, so this will hopefully be easier to read hahfahhaha. also, sorry for my wHoMs i swear i never say whom or use it in my writing but i guess it just came on out in this so :))) i dont think i used it correctly either but given the nature of this work i dont think grammatical accuracy is all too important, you know? anyway idk i guess im just ranting, ahahaha go off sis, but actually um thank you for reading this blursed mess that i wrote (if anyone is actually reading this shit) and ily ahaha :).