Parallels- an MCSM AU [COMPLETED]

FORTY-ONE - A Posse ad Esse

from possibility to actuality

Essa backstory! ESSA BACKSTORY!!!

aaaah i've been waiting for this for SOO long fhksdfk

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She won't come out of her room.

She's been locked in there for hours, and won't respond no matter who comes to the door or what they say.

(Give me a second. I need to breathe.)

He's already been dead for almost a week, but Jessica isn't over it. She's not sure she'll ever be over it. It's her fault he died, all of it. She shouldn't have let him go up with her, and should've paid better attention when he did. If she hadn't lost her grip on the sword, he wouldn't have had to bring it up to her, and he wouldn't have fallen and died.

It's all her fault.

None of her friends are blaming her, but she thinks they should be. They're just avoiding the truth.

She was doing a little bit better for a few days, though now she realizes she may have just been in shock. She'd helped with the beginning of the repairs, the reconstruction of their world. It had distracted her from the horror of what had happened.

One of your friends is dead, and it's all your fault.

But today, she'd finally seen the memorial that his friends had constructed, and she'd broke down. Refusing to let anyone see her fall apart, she shut herself in her room and hasn't moved in hours.

The tears have been flooding her eyes hard and swift, and at the moment, she's not sure they'll ever fade. She's crying so hard, her breath coming in desperate gasps.

All of them have come looking for her.
Axel. "Jessica? Jessie, what happened, man?"
Petra. "Come on, answer the door. I know you can hear me, Jessie. Don't do this."
Olivia. "Jessie, I know it's hard, but please don't shut us out. We just want to help. Please. Lukas wouldn't want this."

Lukas. Lukas is dead. It doesn't matter what he would or wouldn't want.

They're not helping. Even Reuben, scratching at the door and making sad little snuffling noises, makes her feel guilty.

She shouldn't have let him go up. She shouldn't have let him leave the group. She shouldn't have let him join the adventure in the first place.

This is your fault.

It hurts so bad, a physical pain throbbing in her chest. She and Lukas weren't close, exactly, but she'd still cared about him enough that she had not wanted to see him die. She'd never wanted to see anyone die, and oh god does it hurt now that she has.

"You and I, we've made a good team so far. I'd even call us friends."

Oh god oh god oh god. Why did this have to happen...?

She's never dealt with grief like this before, nothing that compares to this raw unrelenting pain. What would he be doing right now, if he was still alive?
How might he have reacted, if it was her to fall too soon and him to find their friends gathered around her broken body? Would he be feeling the same way she is right now?

The ideas are painful, but...

But.

She doesn't wish it had been her.

Deep down, some part of her is glad. It wasn't her. She got out alive. She survived to fight another day.

Sure, she's now carrying around an immeasurable amount of guilt and grief...but she's still here.