La Muerte Subita

Home at Last

Phil doesn't knock on the door, he's too busy drinking in his fiancé's yes.
His lips are pattering across Dan's face, over his eyes and on the corners of his smiling mouth.
He's giggling in the way that Phil lives for, and Phil's the cause. It's such an elating feeling and they're both high on it.
"Congratulations!" A voice calls, and both of them startle, whirling to see the pink monstrosity with its head off. Underneath is a tall woman, hair tied back. She smiles, wide and happy, then tacks on; "No worries, I won't tell!"
Face red, Phil finally knocks on the door, and Nicole is there in seconds, throwing open the door with a bright look on her face. She doesn't comment, instead stepping out of the way and ushering them inside.

She's got a box of chocolates for them, and their station all set up. It only takes a few minutes to finalize the second feed edits, and once they're done, they're being carted downstairs and driven back to their hotel. It's quiet in the heated backseat of the blacked out Range Rover; but Dan won't let go of Phil's pale hand.
Later, when they fall asleep in the same queen bed in their double room, cuddled up and smiling; they'd admit to themselves and each other that this entire trip was a mistake they would never, ever, make again.
Even if it was the push they needed to admit they'd never let each other go.

* * *

When they arrive home in London, they're relieved that none of Phil's houseplants are beyond resuscitation, and that Dan's succulents are still thriving. Of course, the plants are the closest thing to children they can have right now, even if it's a poor substitute. They haven't been home an hour before Phil throws on a coat and rushes out of the house. Dan isn't sure what's happened, but he tries not to let it bother him. He'll clean the recent coat of dust from the house, make himself busy. Phil will come back; Phil always comes back.

Dan takes a few minutes to process, happy to be off of the plane, away from the games, and the horror... a minute to process the fact that he was going to marry Phil.
It'll no longer be Dan and Phil, best friends on the internet.
No, it would be the Lester's, or maybe the Howells?
Dan's anxiety is starting to take root, his chest tightening; a hand coming to rest against his heart:
Who would he be, now? Not Daniel Howell anymore, no. No longer the man with the black aesthetic, a dog lover, creative video-blogger, author; but Phil's husband, because Phil shines so much brighter than he does.
Dan's a dark presence, the dark void of space to Phil's bright supernova.

It's getting darker outside, but it's also getting darker in Dan's mind. He's falling into the pit again, he realizes it, and he can't stop it. Never can.
Beside him, his phone chimes, the brightness enough to distract him so he picks it up. It's a message from Phil's mother;
"I heard the news, congratulations son."

Dan reads it again. Reads it over and over. He doesn't realize he's crying until Phil's running up to him, holding him.
"Dan! Baby, what's wrong?"
Dan can't answer through the sobs, still staring at the phone, still reading the message. Phil takes the phone away from him and looks at it, then tosses it away and puts his hands on Dan's face, leading him to make eye contact gently.
"Dan, look at me."
Dan does, after a moment, eyes red and puffy.
"What are you thinking?"
Dan shakes his head;
"I just... Who will I be if I marry you?" He asks, voice broken. Phil's usually bright face dims with sadness for a second before pinching in irritation. Dan's almost afraid Phil will leave, won't come back, and he's grabbing onto his wrist in an unthought out attempt to keep him close.
Here.

Phil's face falls again, this time in determination;
"Dan, have I ever done anything to change you?" Asks Phil gently.
Dan shakes his head,
"No, no, of course not." he sputters; nothing Phil does is wrong in his eyes.
"Do you think that marrying me is a bad decision?" Phil's voice is tight, choked.
Without hesitance, Dan has Phil's face in his hands, yanking the older man toward him and crying new tears.
"How!?" Dan exclaims, "How can anything with you be a bad decision!?"
Phil's hands tighten around his cheeks.
"You're the best thing to ever happen to me, Phil."
"Then why are you confused, Dan. Why do you think that being with me, my husband, will change you in any way?"
The fog in Dan's brain lifts a little with the realization that, no, Phil could never change him. Would never even try.
"I'm sorry."
Dan's voice is small, tired.
"I'm sorry. It's always like this, I'm always..." Dan's eyes screw shut in disappointment; "I'm always like this."
"It doesn't make me love you any less."