WitchBite

Bitter Coffee

 It wasn't as terrifyingly anxiety ridden as I'd expected. Normally in situations such as these, I'd start to panic as the time neared, but not this time. This time I was numb. Which was a form of complacency to itself, with how obvious it bore itself outwards from the centre of my chest. I hadn't forgiven her, how could I? But I wasn't angry either.

Now there was a distance, a pervading numbness that I could only liken to a wound that had festered. All too aware that it only hurt if you touched it.

We laughed the same laughs, but now it seemed tinged with the melancholic filter of nostalgia, as if we were old friends reuniting after years of being apart. Fond of the memories of closeness we once had, but all too aware that the chances of it being like that once again seemed unlikely. Despite it being a tentatively warming time, I was somehow sad at this realisation. There is no way I'd be willing to open myself up like I once was. A tinge of self hate spiked its fangs in the knowledge that if I was open like how I was with Victoria, and I got hurt in the same manner once again; I couldn't bare it. I was too weak for it. What's worse is that as this realisation began to fracture its way outwards, I was hyper aware of the effect it would have on everyone in my life. I could see them, Aramis, being held at barely any closer than arms length, and I do nothing about it. Is it selfish of me to do nothing, despite being armed with this knowledge? I convinced myself that it was easier this way. Better to be alone than to have the worry of others also burden your shoulders. Especially if their worry... is you.

We talked for what felt like hours, sat in this cafe like we did regularly and both of us paused when we realised this could be the last time we did this in a long time if not ever. The disappointment hung in the air like a pot of secrets, filled to the brim and threatening to spill. But it did not.

Her chestnut hair was tied neatly behind her head in a low ponytail that rested over her left shoulder. In fact, she looked uncharacteristically neat and uniform today. Where as before she would be awash with a wild abandon of different colours, her hair free to do as it pleases, and a playful smile on her face. Today she wore an outfit one might attribute to a work out or doing hard labour work in general. Still fashionable, mind you. It was clothes that hugged her body, enabled as little resistance to her movement as possible.

"He's not coming; is he?" She asked averting her gaze to the dregs of coffee that remained at the bottom of her mug.

"No, I didn't bring him nor tell him I was meeting with you." I replied, almost hesitant to speak of Aramis before her. Like she could pluck his very name from the air and sharpen it into a tool with which to hurt him.

"That's a shame. I'd like to apologise to him too, but I suppose you can do that for me?"

"I will."

"Good. Thank you. V: I really am sorry for what I've done. I do hope you'll believe that, if not now, then in some time. This whole thing... It's just a mess." She said with an exasperated sigh. I didn't respond. I didn't know how to, the answer was caught in my throat. The truth was I had forgiven her. I'd forgiven her a few hours after I'd come upon the revelation that she had betrayed me. I wanted to move on, and be happy. I wanted to go back to the fun fair and just have a night out with V, Jace, and Aramis. But that wasn't going to happen. The things that needed to happen for that to happen were too unlikely, too particular, too... unwanted.

Forgive, but never forget. That was the strongest belief I was raised in, and it had become somewhat of a reflex to the point where I find myself incapable of holding a grudge or anger. Yet, here all I wanted to do was forget. Forget that any of this had happened.

"I best be off" Victoria said, patting the table as she pushed herself up from it, my heart somewhat lurching with her as she did so.

"Really? You don't have to go just yet if you don't want. Stay. Stay with me, and I'll buy another you another coffee. Look, they got a new barista and he's also pretty cute?" I found myself babbling at her.