All The Bright Places - Asleep

Theodore...

Violet

April 27

Kate wasn't kidding when she said that it was going to take a while. We had to go to a hotel near the hospital, because we weren't allowed in the ICU as long as Finch's parents were in.

My parents called me about a thousand times, but I couldn't bring myself to pick up and explain everything. It would get too painful, but I know I have to call them some day.

I wondered if Finch's mom spend the night there. But when I walk back to the hospital with Kate this morning, she tells me that her mother and Decca stayed at another hotel and made sure that they'd be in the hospital by afternoon. Mister Finch went back home and made – by doing that – really clear that he didn't care about his son lying in a coma.

Kate makes sure that we both can enter Finch's room, but I still feel doubt when I'm standing in front of the closed, white door.

Kate turns around to me and asks, "Are you ready?" She doesn't sound less doubtful than me. I nod, but I'm not sure if I'm lying when I do that.

Kate carefully opens the door and we walk inside. There are curtains hanging around every bed. We're told that Finch would be lying in the fifth bed in the left row. I look at the ground until we arrive at Finch's bed.

I slowly look up and I felt a lump in my throat. Theodore is lying in the bed, most of his body hidden underneath a pale blue blanket. He's even paler than usual and his eyes are closed.

He's hooked up to monitors, which are noisy and produce loud beeps.

With one of my hands folded in front of my mouth, my eyes take in all of Finch's sleeping body. There's a infuse stuck to his thin and scarred arm. The long scars – which I haven't seen before – make me wonder if he could've been cutting himself in the past few weeks. I look at the lips that I've kissed many times before and try to swallow away the lump in my throat. A large tube is entering windpipe through his mouth, it looks awfully painful. Finch is also hooked up to a breathing machine and other life support.

Kate is quiet at first, but eventually tells me to take a seat. She stands on the end of Finch's bed and stares at her younger brother. I can see the pain in her eyes, but I also see she's trying to hide it.

After a while she says, "Could you stay with him? Mom, Decca and I can rest a little and I trust you to stay with him and let us know when something happens."

She's asking a lot of me – she isn't talking about today only – but I know I can do it.

"Of course," I answer. "Take some rest, I'll stay with him."

Kate lays her hand on my shoulder and thanks me. After that she looks at Finch and whispers, "Hold on a little longer, Theo."

Then she leaves.

* * *

Today has been a long day. Not because I had to sit next to Finch's sleeping body, no, because my brain has been freaking out the entire time. It was telling me that Finch wouldn't ever wake up, imagining the heart monitor making a one-toned noise. Or even worse imagining him still lying in that bed over a few years.

I'm very relieved when I arrive at the hotel and fall onto the bed. Kate left a note that she's sleeping at the same hotel as her mother and Decca.

After lying on the bed for a few minutes, I sit upright and call my mom. The phone doesn't even ring one time before she picks up.

"Violet, are you okay?" she immediately asks. She sounds like she's been crying before I called, I'm sure I made them worry and I feel guilty about that.

"I'm sorry, mom." A tear drips over my cheek. "But I couldn't... I couldn't explain everything... it's all too much." I start sobbing and my mom is making shushing noises.

"It alright," she says. "Why don't you tell me where you are and we'll pick you up, okay?"

I sniff. "No, mom, you don't get it," I cry and somehow I feel mad. "Theodore Finch is lying in the hospital after a failed suicide attempt!" I start yelling know and everything just spills out of my mouth. "He's in a coma, which – doctors say – he might or might not wake up from. If he wakes up there's a chance that he's got a badly damaged brain. You get that?" I pause and I start sobbing, my head falling into my hands. "I promised that I'd stay with him every day for as long as I can, I cannot leave him! I love him, mom!"

My mother stays silent so I continue, as if my breaks are gone. "So sit down, watch TV or something. I'll try to call daily, but don't think of me too much. I just need to be alone, with Finch, now."

I break the connection, throw my phone of the bed and cry myself asleep.