Sugarcane and Indigo

The Rose Garden

Indigo carefully put me down and backed away a few steps. He his eyes kept darting away from me to the walls or floor like he was trying to find an escape.

"Indigo?" I asked, a wobble in my voice.

Indigo refused to meet my eyes, instead staring about three inches to the left of my face. "You should get dressed."

I opened my mouth but no words came out, just a questioning sound. Indigo still wouldn't look at me. I quickly turned away from him and picked up my clothes off the floor. I yanked my pants on without putting my underwear on. I wanted to run as far away as possible. My eyes were burning like I was about to cry and a dull ringing sound filled my ears. I felt like I wanted to throw up or cry or scream or maybe all.

I quickly slid my shoes on, not caring about the shards of glass still sticking out of my feet. I just wanted to go home.

I grabbed the doorknob and started twisting it.

"Lavender, you don't need to go," Indigo offered, but when I turned to look at him he still wasn't looking at me.

I laughed, a little, to myself. Of course I'd fall in love with someone who would never love me back.

I pulled open the door but Indigo stopped me again.

"Lavender, I'm serious. Stay. Let's talk about this."

I glanced at him over my shoulder but didn't say anything.

A pained look crossed Indigo's face. "Lavender, you said you had something you needed to tell me."

Tears were starting to well up in my eyes and I quickly, angrily wiped them away. "It's nothing important. I'll tell you tomorrow."

Indigo didn't say anything and I ran out the door. It was still raining but I didn't care, I just wanted to be home curled up in my bed. I raced across the street, slipping on the slick asphalt as I ran. I took the steps leading up to my porch in twos, jumping as I did so. I threw open the door and raced down the hallway to the stairs.

"Lavender, honey, is that you?" Grammie called from somewhere in the house but I didn't answer, I just kept running up the stairs to my room.

I flew into my bedroom, my door slamming shut behind me. My chest heaved as I stared around my room. The blue shag carpet stood in sharp relief against the light purple walls. The fairy lights hanging around the corners twinkled merrily shedding a soft light around the room. It was all too ... cheerful. Too happy. Too ... me. This room represented who I used to be - a stupid, compliant girl who did what she was told, who let people walk all over her.

I wasn't that girl anymore.

I was the girl who had stood up to the Sheriff. I was the girl who had crossed outside the town's borders and lived. I was the girl who stood up to Le Fouet. I was the girl who fell in love with an outsider, consequences be dammed. I didn't belong in this room anymore. I didn't belong here.

I stumbled over to the wall of photographs that I had hung when I was a preteen. I stared at my dreamboard, at all the stupid things I had thought I wanted. There were pictures from all over town. I remember how badly I wanted to be accepted, how awfully I yearned to be a part of this town. I didn't want that anymore. I reached up and ripped the board down, tearing it in the process. I threw the two pieces of it onto the ground, panting as I did so.

Then, I turned to the pictures I had hung up over the years. There were pictures of Grammie and me, me not smiling in a single one of them. There were pictures of a young Violet. There were class pictures, baby pictures, graduation pictures. In all of them I remembered feeling outside of the group. I remember feeling like I was looking into a greenhouse. Like everyone was inside this nice tropical glass room where they all had each other and I was outside it, in the cold, all alone. I started ripping the pictures down, throwing them over my shoulder as soon as I had them in my hand.