Falling

Chapter 4 - Emptiness

Sorry, Chuuya.

Dazai pressed the button and message was sent.

Sighting, mentally defeated, he threw the phone aside and started moving slowly in Atsushi and Ryunosuke's direction.

At least you deserve it.

.

.

.

Dazai wanted to cry at the memory. It hurted almost the same as Odasaku's first and last words spoken to him.

"Doesn't our friendship mean nothing to you anymore?"

He'd heard him say the question he couldn't answer. Not to him in the end. It wasn't true, but not Chuuya nor anyone else had to know about it.

Then why did he text an apology?

Maybe... he didn't think he'd feel like this. Like shit to be honest. He knew the concequences of all that. Saving Odasaku meant destroying the lives of others, the unbearable pain he won't be able to overcome, so the only solution for him at the end was death.

Death. Death. Death. Death.

As the words hit the walls of his skull, they became unbearable. He thought he'll go mad, if he hasn't already.

What have I done to everyone? To Atsushi-kun who's supposed to be with ADA, smiling, suceeding in defeating the demons from his past. To Kyouka-chan who's supposed to be happy after all she's been through. To Gin-chan and Akutagawa who're supposed to live and grow up like normal kids, full of life and happiness. And as if it wasn't enough, I... I...

He cried. Big, wet drops fogged his vision and he let out a sob.

Dazai was sure he hadn't wrote about this in the book.

Through slightly blurry eyesigh, he made out a face of a ginger-haired man, standing only inches away from the glass, talking on a phone probbably, but going quiet as his eyes landed on his falling form. Dazai widened his eyes.

How? I haven't written about this. I supposed to fall unnoticed by anyone other than Atsushi and Akutagawa. Why is Chuuya here?

A line separating two floors broke his field of view and he let himself relax and smile. At least he was sure Chuuya saw the massage. At least he got to see him one last time.

***

You are sorry?

Chuuya stood without moving a muscle, paralyzed. Some kind of emptiness overwhielmed him, like a black hole that can never be filled, no matter what you put in it.

"Don't talk with me like that ever again? Understand?"

What have you done, son of a bitch?

Chuuya opened his mouth to yell, to scream, but inaudible words spread towards the cold glass and died. It looked like it had to take a few moments to actually realize that scenery was real, that Dazai really was falling towards the embrace of death, that he was throwing his life away.

You are sorry.

It made a sence now. The message, tears, fall, it was connected. Dazai repents. He cried over things he's done to everyone. It explained why he jumped in front of Atsushi and Akutagawa - people he damaged the most. That meant - he still was Dazai. He still was that child and man he knew and grew up with.

Tears found a way to the floor. With still empty gaze, Chuuya stared at the sky. Deriving from great sadness or slight happiness were they? Maybe both.

Sound of a shattering glass followed soon after.