Taming a Wolf

29. True self

Fay sat on the bathroom floor. The symptoms had returned, stronger than before. She hadn't told anyone, though. She knew they, especially Seth and Shawn, had more important things to do than holding her hair while she hugged the toilet. That is why she was surprised when she heard someone moving in her room. That someone didn't say anything, but after awhile the footsteps disappeared and the door to the hallway was closed. Fay had to stay in the bathroom for another hour before she was finally able to stand up, wash her face and brush her teeth. She was still wobbly, but well enough to walk back to her bed. She sat down. As she was about to pull back the blanket, she had earlier kicked off in a hurry to go to the bathroom, she noticed a white envelope on her pillow. Her name was written on it with elegant letters. Fay reached for it. She didn't need werewolf abilities to pick up the subtle scent of perfume. Chanel number 5. Fay frowned. Why would Elise Cage write her a letter? She opened the envelope and found several neatly folded paper sheets with the same graceful handwriting. Fay started to read.

Dear Fay

I always wanted to tell you what I'm about to write. But I was a coward. Though I  didn't have the courage to tell you this in person, I want to change that. Why? Because it might help you to understand my actions. But most importantly, it might help you to understand yourself. 

I was born in the wilderness of Finnish Lappland. Far away from humans. There wolves are different from other werewolves. There are no large packs nor hierarchies. Your family is your pack. Most wolves there belong to the Vaara bloodline. So did my mother and father. So do I. I am a Vaara wolf. Vaara wolves don't have alpha blood in them nor any other special wolf gifts. But we have something no other werewolf has. That makes us live in the wilderness away from people and other werewolves. From an early age, we train, relentlessly, to keep it in control. If we don't -  we become perilous. I have always hated myself for it. My true self sickens me. 

You, my dear Fay, have an instinct to protect. My instinct is to kill. I am a killer. I am a monster. No matter how hard I try to tell myself otherwise, I cannot hide from the truth. The Vaara blood in me is stronger than any humane emotion. It would make me kill even if it meant death for myself as well. My blood, my DNA, my consciousness and unconsciousness is death. 

It was a miracle that a monster like me had a mate. You see, Vaara wolves don't have mates. I was a freak of nature. I didn't deserve Phillip. He was good. Pure. Noble. He loved me, though what I am doesn't deserve to be loved. I deserve his death. When the agony overpowers me, I remind myself of that.

Fay, when I first saw you, I saw a broken little girl who needed someone to see her. Really truly see her. I wanted to be that someone. I ask for your forgiveness for not knowing how to do that. And for being a coward. Your untrammeled mind terrified me. I know what it can cause. Maybe not in a protector, but in a killer like myself. I only say one thing for my defense, you were a wild teenager and sometimes you did cross the line of what is good, proper and even safe. As you grew up, you learned to utilize that wildness. I hope, you'll keep learning. 

I am glad Seth has you in his life. He reminds me of that little boy I raised. He has joy in his life again. Your absence broke him down. I did hate you for that. I hated what you did to my dear boy. I also hated how you turned your back to all of us. But I understand why you did it. I understand how your blood defines you. For years, decades, I was able to pretend it didn't. I was an Alpha's mate and a mother. But truth always finds you in the end. There's no hiding from it.

For the first time in my life, I am accepting my true self. I do it with joy, knowing that I can do something to keep my loved ones safe. Maybe this is the way to earn Phillip and the life he gave me.

I know in my heart, I will not come back nor see you again. I ask you to love my little boy. I know he is a grown man and an Alpha, but he will always be my little brown-eyed boy. Stay in his life. I'm sure it will bring happiness to you both.

 Don't lose hope, you will get your wolf-side back. And when you do, be wild and wise. 

With love

Elise (the one you call the Ice Queen)

P.S. I left you a stack of books. They're on your desk if you haven't noticed them yet.

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Oh my! This was an emotional chapter to write. I'd love to hear your thoughts!

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M