Tevun-Krus #80 - WattPunk 2.0

Part Ten: The Extremely Serious Writers' Manual - by @H-A-Spade

The Extremely Serious Writers' Manual

by @H-A-Spade

Gerard knew there was something wrong with this perfect world he lived in. 

Take, for instance, his favorite thing to do, which was of course to drink light-roasted coffee with skim milk and honey. If he wished to have a light-roasted coffee with skim milk and honey, he would have to extend his left arm to open the fridge while simultaneously searching his internal database for "skim milk," "coffee," and "honey," and successfully locate each, in order for the whole shebang to be properly pulled off; well now, then he's just standing there like an imbecile, standing with his head in the fridge, thinking about "skim milk," "coffee," and "honey," with hardly any progress to show for. It's not enough, you see. It's just not enough to want something; there's got to be an action.

So next he must think of the action—of grabbing the coffee, the skim milk, the honey. Imagine the distance they must lie from his hand as he reaches, explain to his hand that it must clutch each object with appropriate force (too strong, and the contents will sadly explode into something very unlike a nice light-roasted coffee with skim milk and honey; too gentle, and they, too, will drop and explode in a similar fashion; truthfully, Gerard wasn't entirely sure but it was his understanding there would be a considerable amount of exploding)... and all this is to say nothing of the actual clutching, you know, just the thinking about it.

The point is: It's a hard life. That much is clear.

But what's worse was that Gerard had absolutely no control over what he did, or said. Or felt.

A romantic would call this fate. A realist would say something about nature versus nurture. A psychiatrist might bring up Tourette's. Yet a few people—only a few in the whole world—could tell you the truth.

I am one of these people.

One of The Writers.

Yes, I've helped to write Gerard, not really putting me in my best light, to be honest. And Hitler, that was pretty low. For some reason I really enjoyed Prince. So energetic, and sparkly. Indeed, writing celebrities for The Program has had its ups and downs; and now that I'm retiring and evidently you've taken some sort of interest in the profession, you'll have to start the same way we all do: with our specialized training program, proudly brought to you by Target™.

I'd wish you luck, but you'll soon find it's all an algorithm and there's no such thing.

***

Hello, newcomer, and welcome to Wattpad! Thank you for your interest in our program!

This is Gerard.

Gerard's name is not Gerard. He does not have a name because he is a Blank, a mass-produced sentient humanoid being genetically engineered by our chemists in the WattLab for the sole purpose of these training exercises. Over the course of this program it will be your assignment to not only name Gerard, but to bring him to life! Isn't that exciting? We think so, too!

Everything about Gerard—from his age to his race to his gender to his species—is entirely up to you. Will Gerard be a six-headed lizard from the planet Taahl? Or will he be Angela from quality control? How about a kitten who's just escaped into the big city?

The answer is: none of these! As a Celebrity Writer it will be your job to write society's most well-known and influential humans, sephids, cytogeminoids, or any other sentient being from any universe you choose. We tricked you! See, we're fun and humorous!