My story: Elsie

The First Gaslighting Incident

Looking back on these moments is really hard. I'm still sort of trying to reconcile with what it is and everything that happened without dwelling on the past, you know? It's also the first time I've talked about this en masse even if it's just typing it.

Uh, I don't actually remember much about my childhood actually. Like it was all good for the most part. But sometimes...

I don't know. Uh, it's hard to...form thoughts I guess? Like I can't...eh.

Let's start with the first time I was gaslighted. That's the first thing I can think of where things were...not too great.

First, I guess not everyone knows what gaslighting is. So, let me break it down for you briefly.

Gaslighting is a form of manipulation typically used by abusers to cause the victim to question their own sanity.

It usually goes something a little like

"Hey, remember that thing that happened a while back?"

"What are you talking about? You're crazy!"

I'm exaggerating a bit, but you get the idea. Anyways.

When this happened to me, my brother and I were very young. Maybe six? Seven? I dunno. I must have been in first grade or kindergarten.

I remember we were doing homework. Or something. We had these little work books our mom made us do. Maybe it was those? (The memory is kind of fuzzy.)

So, anyway. I was sitting at the kitchen table in the dining room. And my mom and brother were in the kitchen in the next room. She was testing him on the homework I think, and he wasn't getting it.

And then all of a sudden I hear a huge slam! And I look up from my seat and my brother is, like, flying across the room and slamming into the floor.

Then, he ran off and my mom yells for me to come in next for my test, and I remember being really scared to approach her or get something wrong.

Because I knew what had happened. She had thrown him across the room for not getting the work right. I didn't want to be next.

So, this is where the gaslighting comes in.

Later, maybe years or weeks later, I can't remember, I asked her about it and she sort of just played it off like it was in my head. "I don't remember that." "That didn't happen."

And at the time I had no idea what gaslighting was, so I didn't know what was happening. I didn't think anything of it. So, I just let it go and forgot about it until years later when I learned what it was.

And it's really weird, because even though I know what it is now and that this probably actually happened, I still sort of feel like it's in my head. A distant dream I had forever ago.

Because the memory is so fuzzy and because I know they'll both deny it if I ever brought it up again. It's really strange.

Anyway, that's all I can think to say on this topic right now so um...hopefully you found this informative and helpful!