memento vivere

chapter four

It seems Mother has gotten me into more than just bringing over a thank you dish because somehow, I find myself standing in Eddies foyer, or their foyer rather, while he puts the food away. I insisted on staying outside but he said it was too cold and that I didn't have to go too far inside if I didn't want to. So to seem at least a little normal, I came in but I'm staying right next to the door. I try to keep my eyes to myself but slowly, I feel them drifting around when they have no business to. That's exactly what got me into this mess in the first place..

But yet, they still wonder.

Back to the photos I saw on the wall previously. To the back door I can see straight ahead down the hall. To the stairs to the left. And that's when I see it. The door to his room just below the second landing. It's cracked open just a tad and based on the light coming from inside, it looks warm and inviting. Even despite the fact that I know there's a broken window letting the cold in.. It sparks some kind of feelings deep inside me because it reminds me of how Eddie looked on my front door step just hours ago..

Warm and inviting..

It also reminds me that I know too many details of a room that I've never been in.

I finally hear footsteps coming back and I snap out of my daze. He comes back fully dressed this time, thankfully, and I don't know if I should be happy about it or not because as soon as he gets in front of me and the light hits him in such a way.. I feel faint because I finally realize where I've seen his pants.. And the blue uniform shirt. And the name tag.

Because I own the exact same outfit.

"Tell your mom thanks for the food.. It'll be nice to have when I get home in the morning.."

That statement alone just confirms my theory and I feel like slapping myself in the face because of what comes out of my mouth.

"She isn't my mom.."

Of all things to focus on, that's what I go with. Not that we probably work at the same gas station.. On the same shift, nonetheless. No warning about the food being gross. Nothing about what he wrote, nothing about seeing him in a towel or the fact that I think he dropped it intentionally.. It may be bothering me but I don't think I'd bring that up anyway and I'm only making my face red by thinking about it. In an attempt to hide my discomposure, I look down to my shoes but feel it redden even more when I see him take a step closer.

"Sorry. Tell your step mom, then." The sudden apologetic sound to his voice takes me by surprise and I look up to see that his eyes have taken on a sad demeanor before he smiles up at me softly.

Looking at him in this lighting, I can really see his face now. Before on my front steps, he had his hair in the way but now that it's pulled back, I can see dimples, one on each side that get deeper when he smiles, and one at his chin. His cheekbones protrude past the point of being normal for a human, and his cupid's bow seems like it was carved by Michelangelo himself.

It's weird because I know I'm staring and I don't care to look away, just like before except this time I know he sees me and he's smiling even harder now.

With the way he's staring back, there's something behind that smile, some kind of message and I can't quite figure out what it is..

It sounds like someone falls or trips on the staircase or maybe it's just my heart falling out of my ass. Either way, I hear laughter and it makes me finally snap out of whatever hypnotism I'm under and I feel silly whenever I see his friends scurrying away. What am I doing? I don't even know this guy. I shouldn't even be here, I shouldn't have came. I suddenly feel like an ant under a magnifying glass. I feel suffocated and hot, too hot like a spotlight is on me and I'm about to pass out.

I need to leave..

I think he can tell because he steps forward again, barely leaving any room between us, and holds out a hand for me to shake. Giving me an out.

"Well uhm.. Thanks again, Rae. Be careful on your journey back. I hear there's big mean dogs out there.." Giving me an out but not before he has his own fun. He tilts his head and looks at me from under his eyelashes, it seems like he's fighting back a smirk.. A knowing smirk at that, and all I can do is muster a nervous laugh.

I quickly shake his hand, hoping that he doesn't notice or feel the tremor he's causing when I'm surprised to feel something folded slip between my fingers. I look at him for just a second and he's completely calm, not missing a beat. Me on the other hand, as I pull away and safely cradle the note the best I can in my bandaged fist, I try not to make it obvious that I'm freaking out on the inside. As if nothing happened. Just as him. I turn and hurry for the door and at last, I feel the cool night air on my burning face as it opens.

For a half second, the thought crosses my mind to just take off running but all I can do is walk. I can feel him behind me, his presence radiating just like the words he left in my notebook and the note burning in the palm of my hand.

"Have a good night.."

I don't even bother replying and keep going down his steps, past the seven stones and the mailbox pole, just keeping my eyes to the ground and I realize I'm home free when I hear the door close behind me.