memento vivere

chapter eleven

Between sleeping and staying in my room until time for work, I haven't spoken a word to Mother in days. Of course, that means Dad hasn't spoken to me either. It's a packaged deal with those two. That also means no car.. Which is fine. The less I have to deal with them, the better. It's just I don't have anything to say, really. At this rate, I should be used to her pushing my friends and relationships away but it still somehow sneaks up and surprises me every single time. Friends come and go, but the final nail in the coffin should've been when she finished off my already strained relationship with Mama.

After the divorce was final, there were so many lies and rumors thrown around that I still don't know what the truth is. Being young and naive, you just believe what you're told. It's only now that I'm older I realize things don't make sense. Like why was Kat referred to as a family friend for so long? Why did Kat spend so many nights giving 'moral support' to Dad? Why was Mama the one thrown out of the house and Kat moved in before the separation was even finished? After that, she became Mother.. And not by my decision. She lied and fed me bullshit, put things in my head that weren't true.. All because she wanted my sweet Mama out of the picture.

Well.. She got what she wanted and knowing what I know now makes me wanna puke. Being the pacifist I am, I keep giving her chance after chance, but after what happened Thursday night.. No more.

"Hey Rae, do you know where the Triscuits go?"

I'm sitting behind the counter with my feet propped up, doodling aimlessly when I hear that Ron unfortunately needs my help on Aisle 4. Of course, he does.. Although after spending the last few days walking on egg shells, I don't think I've ever been so happy to be annoyed by him again.

"Aren't you the manager? Shouldn't you know this stuff?" I slam my book shut with a huff and meet him there to see that he's bent down looking directly where the Frosted Flakes go and I can't help but roll my eyes because I know what he's hoping for. I'll grab the box and bend down, making sure to arch my back waaaay out while putting them where they go.. Right on the bottom shelf, under the Mini Wheats where they've always gone. There's even a fucking tag.

His plan is almost foolproof except for one small thing: I'd rather eat my own shit than flirt with him.

Despite that, it still doesn't stop him from making googly eyes at me.

"They go right there.. Did you clean the bathrooms yet? It's your turn." I point and don't even bother to see where he ends up putting them, just to hear him scoff under his breath. "So much for being Manager.. Leave for two weeks, come back and suddenly think you're the boss..."

I choose to ignore him this time and return to my seat, hoping to continue doodling except there's no more room on the page. To my embarrassment, it's filled with the same pair of eyes over and over again, just in different variations of emotions. One set framed by long fluttering eyelashes, one with tiny crinkles at the corners, one with distinct frown lines and a carnal stare.. There's no denying who my subconscious was thinking of and after I realize, I feel like I've gotten caught, making me slam the book closed again. I take a quick glance to the security monitor to see if Ron was around to witness anything and only when I hear him struggling in the back room do I feel a sense of relief.

Speaking of Eddie, whenever I came into work on Friday night already exhausted beyond belief, I still had this small sliver of hope that he had just been pulling my chain and would be here.. But no, just good ol' greasy Ron waiting on me. Not only would it be a nice change of scenery if he were but maybe he could've given me a lift home so that I wouldn't have to walk... And I'm not asking Ron, that's completely out of the question. It's just that it's been almost four days of me walking to and from work and I don't know how much longer I can do it. Cutting back on the donuts hasn't helped at all. I guess I could take the bus back if I have to but that costs money. Money I'm trying to save.. Maybe I could persuade Ron to change Eddies hours.. But then if he did, he'd probably expect something from me in return and that's definitely never gonna fucking happen.