memento vivere

chapter nine

I don't know how long I've been walking.. Or where I am, for that matter. It's hard to keep track just staring down at the road. Probably isn't the safest thing either but I knew the risks before I left. Although looking at the ground isn't the best for navigation, at least it's keeping the rain off my face. In typical Washington State fashion, the weather seems to match the mood and it began to drizzle a few minutes into the walk so I threw my hood up and hunkered in, determined to get to wherever it is I'm going. I still haven't figured that out yet. I've counted all the leaves though, if that means anything. 352 so far.

Only a few cars have passed. I heard one even slow down and I found myself wishing I had brought my mace. They were probably just trying to figure out why I'm walking in the rain.. But none have stopped and asked. I don't know whether that's a blessing or a curse. I guess either depending on who stops..

The sounds of dogs barking catches my ear and I finally look up to see a few houses in the distance, some kids playing and what looks like a bus stop. The sidewalk comes to an end and I stop at the crossroad, looking up at the street sign to gather my bearings and I'm surprised to see that I've made it into the next neighborhood over. I've been here once before, to pick up Rebecca Horne for a dance recital one year.. I only remember her name because the boys in class called her 'Horn-e' all the time. She got her last name changed to her moms maiden name but that still didn't help. The year after that, she transferred and I never saw her again.

I look both ways and continue on, still counting since I've made it this far. By the time I reach the bench, I'm at 384 and decided that if I get to 500, I can have a donut when I get back.. That's when the feeling of dread hits. That I have to bribe myself go back at some point. As much as I'm tempted to board the next bus and head off, I know it's not possible. I need to go somewhere, though.. At least out of the rain. But I guess this awning will do for now. I sit on the metal bench and tuck into myself, wrapping my arms around my legs to trap some heat in since the temperature is dropping as fast as the sun is. I should've grabbed Eddies thermos before I left.. And maybe the cassette player too. I didn't grab anything but there was no way I could've stayed in that room for a minute longer.

I'm terrified about what I'll go back to. As bad as their arguments are, I've never heard it like that. Dad is usually the passive one but I guess we all have our moments. I can't help but wonder what broke or what else happened after I left and suddenly my mind is playing out all these horrific scenarios. Now I'm just staring, I know I am but I can't dial it back in. My eyes are slowly going out of focus, looking at the rain dripping from the corner of the awning, basically torturing myself with memories.. Images of something that no one should ever have to see. Especially that something being their own mom lying dead..

I'll never forget that night. The smell of copper and gun powder, the sounds of the police sirens and scanners, everyone telling me how sorry they were over and over.. But then there were the hushed whispers behind my back. How she was chalked up to being just 'another suicidal whore.' As if what she did out of desperation to make ends meet somehow made her less of a person.. She was a good mother, the absolute best and I wanted to be right there on the ground lying beside her. Still do sometimes, especially moments like this where I feel my chest clenching and the only thing keeping me grounded is grabbing the necklace that stays protected under my shirt.

'M' for Mama, engraved in her handwriting.

She's always with me, even if I forget.

She has.. Well, had a matching one too, 'R' for Raegan. It seems just like yesterday, she picked me up early from school without telling Dad and took me to the mall. We ate cheap food, played in the arcade, tried on super expensive clothes.. But the most important thing we did that day were getting these necklaces, engraved right at Langfords Emporium while we watched. After, we took silly photo booth pictures to keep as a reminder. I'm glad we did because that seemed to be the last good moment we had together before everything went downhill.