memento vivere

chapter twenty

From the moment after I saw Jeff, I knew something was different. The veil of secrecy was getting thicker and I had not a clue as to what was going on.. So I did what I do best.

Stick my head in the sand and pretend that everything is okay.

I waited patiently by the phone for a call I knew was never gonna come and eventually three days later, Eddie came back.. Or so I thought. I figured out not because he stopped by and apologized profusely for ghosting on me again.. But because Mother, of all people, had spotted him in town.

At first, I thought she were up to one of her little games after my poorly timed outburst about her extracurricular activities.. But I don't think she knows anything about this. That still doesn't stop me from worrying about what angle she's trying to play. If any at all.

Anyway, like the pathetic mess I am, I'm following closely behind her through the front door just waiting for an elaboration so that I can get my fix. It's been ten days. What can I say?

"He was at uh.. What's the place? Ya know the one where they cook the food in front of you? We went there for Rodneys 40th.." She gestured wildly, keys jangling as she tries to keep the peanut butter from falling out of the bag. While she puts away the groceries and hands me the mayo to put into the fridge, flashbacks of sushi filled vomit fills my mind and makes my nose burn. As much as I love chinese, it does not love me. I get food poisoning just by driving by the place.

"Oh. Wan's Grill. Where Uncle Rodney choked on the mushroom.. Was there anyone else with Eddie?" I try to play it cool. Totally relaxed. Totally not weird or the least bit concerned when I'm anything but.

"Yeah, just a couple.." She quickly grabs the bread from the counter and turns to put it away but something about her is weird too. More so than usual. I just can't place my finger on it.

"What did they look like? Did one have a raccoon on his head?" I try to joke but suddenly realize how stupid I sound. Also more so than usual..

"Why would there be a raccoon on someone's head, Raegan? Do I need to get the kit? Have you been taking—" I can't stop the eye roll that comes and luckily for me, she was too busy sorting the produce to notice. "—No.. It's a hat. Yknow.. Like the one Davey Crockett wore.." Mother plops the onions down and just stares, looking exasperated. Much like how I feel whenever I have to describe Jeff to another person. Why can't he just wear a normal baseball hat.

"No. At any rate, I couldn't see his face so it might've not been Eddie. I recognized the long dingy hair but hell, that seems to be half of Seattle now, doesn't it? Like they haven't brushed their hair in weeks.." She starts cracking up hard and as I watch her, it becomes abundantly clear what's happening..

That weirdness.

She's doing what she always does. Toying with me, playing her game as I expected, slyly making fun of Eddie and feeding me bullshit when he could still be in San Diego for all I fucking know.

"That's not funny. Why do you do that? I really thought you'd seen him.. And he brushes his hair."

"Well, can you blame me? I had to try and do something about the moping you've been doing all week. It's getting kind of pathetic. Even one of your professors called about it."

"No, they didn't. There's thousands of students at that school who have problems, why would they single me out?... They don't care. Besides.. I've just been going through a lot."

Mother continues putting away the various products she bought with her back towards me and while my words soak in, I hope that maybe this could be a turning point in our relationship. Perhaps I could look past all the things she's done and I could finally have her on my side again. Maybe she'll give me some advice or something. Finally, she sighs and turns while crinkling the last paper bag into a ball. The look on her face tells me that she wishes it were me. "We've all been going through a lot. Not everything revolves around you, despite what you think." With that, she throws the ball into the trash, the lid slamming back down and I just sit staring past where she once stood. Trying my best to fight the sting in my heart.