newport

fourteen

throughout the day, I'd held billie close to my body nonstop. at one point, I'd actually fallen asleep with my face buried in her chest.

I was deep in sleep when suddenly, i feel billie's body convulsing under me, her heartbeat rising. I sit up slightly, looking at the girl. she looked more pale than usual, and her hands were gripping tightly onto the sheets beneath her.

I place my hands on either side of her face as her body convulses, drool dribbling down her chin slowly as gurgling sounds came from her throat. I wipe the spit away with the sheet and uncover her body quickly, my hands shaking as I cup her cheeks once more.

"baby, breathe," I shout softly, pulling her body into my arms as she continues to convulse under my touch. "breathe, bil."

tears fell from my cheeks as the convulsing slowly comes to a stop. I run my fingers through her hair, and I can see her eyes moving behind her eyelids quickly.

after minutes of holding her while silent tears fell from my cheeks and onto her shirt, a loud gasp leaves her lips as she sits up, gripping onto my arms tightly. more tears fell from my eyes as I look at the pure panic in her eyes.

I hold her body closer as she starts to cry into my chest, mumbling through soft sobs. "i tried to scream, but my head was underwater."

I kiss the top of her head and whisper softly as I rub her back soothingly. "as long as I'm here, no one can hurt you."

she slowly takes a shaky breath and wipes her face, looking up at me sadly. "I had a dream.."

"about what, baby girl?" I ask softly, brushing her matted hair out of her face.

"I got everything I wanted," she whispers softly, hiding her face in my neck as she wraps her arms around me. "but it's not what you think."

"explain, my love." I murmur softly, pressing my lips to the top of her head.

"if I'm being honest, it might have been a nightmare to anyone who might care." she murmurs softly, her slightly long nails tracing circles into the nape of my neck. "I thought I could fly, so I stepped off of the Golden."

my eyes widened slightly and filled with tears at her words, but I kept quiet as she continues.

"nobody cried," she says, her voice breaking. "nobody even noticed!"

I hold her tighter as I feel her body shake with sobs. she presses her forehead against my shoulder as she mumbles through her soft cries.

"I got everything I wanted, but when I woke up, I see you with me."

my heart breaks at the girls words, and I press my lips to her forehead as I whisper quietly. "I've said it before - as long as I'm here, no one can hurt you." I pause, wiping a stray tear from beneath my eye.

she takes a deep breath and pulls away from my embrace slowly, looking at me with dull eyes. "they called me weak.. like-" she paused, waving her hands in the air as another tear escapes her eye. "like im not just somebody's daughter."

I run my fingers through her hair and sigh deeply, waiting for her to go on.

"it could've been a nightmare, but it felt like they were right there," she says, pointing to the edge of the bed. "i kinda thought they might care, but they didnt; and it feels like yesterday was a year ago, but I dont want to let anybody know because everyone wants something from me now."

my eyebrows furrow at her words, and the emotion threatening to spill over the top. this girl truly is broken, but she hides it so well. no one should have to experience this.

"I dont want to let them down," she looks at me, her eyes filling with tears once more as she pulls her hair back into a bun. "you know what I mean?"

i nod silently, brushing her hair out of her face as I murmur quietly. "you dont wanna lie here, but you can learn to, baby.. if I could change the way you see yourself, you wouldnt wonder why you're here."

she stands up from my lap and paces around the room. "if I knew it all then, would I do it again?" she asks to herself, her hand coming up to her lips as she bites her nails. "if they knew what they said would go straight to my head, what would they say instead?"

"no one deserves you," I tell her honestly, standing and grabbing her hands in mine. "absolutely no one- including me."

"be honest with me," she says, her hands moving from mine and cupping my cheeks. "if I did kill myself-"

"don't," I say softly, my eyes filling with tears once more. my head was beginning to hurt with how dehydrated I was becoming. "dont even go there, eilish, because I would die without you. theres no way in fucking hell I'm letting you leave me."

"i love you, darian."

BRO WHAT THE FUCK. EVERYTHING I WANTED IS OUT NOW IM SOBBING