Brooklyn Nine-Nine: Elf-dorian Justice

ACT III

INT. LARP JAIL - NIGHT.

Jake stands in a jail cell inside a simple wooden building. He has a tin can in one hand and runs it along the bars.

JAKE: I don't know any jail songs, but if I did I'd be singing them at you so loud right now!

A PRISON GUARD brings Terry in in chains and locks him a cell opposite Jake.

JAKE: Superion?

PRISON GUARD: I told you to be quiet Gruber. Do you want your toilet bucket back?

TERRY: You took his toilet?

PRISON GUARD: He kept trying to break out using the Jedi Mind trick.

TERRY: (disgusted) That's not even medieval!

PRISON GUARD: I know!

The Prison Guard exits.

JAKE: Terry, what happened?

TERRY: I entered the tournament like we planned, but it was supposed to be friendly and Terry... doesn't know his own strength.

EXT. LARP ARENA - FLASHBACK - LATE AFTERNOON

Terry, dressed as Superion, stands opposite two KNIGHTS in the arena. They all hold foam weapons.

KNIGHT 1: H.H. Holmes told us you're a math teacher.

TERRY: Superion believes in the uplifting power of numbers.

KNIGHT 2: He told us to tell you that math is stupid.

KNIGHT 1: And that... We hate you Dad!

TERRY: NOOOOO!

Terry spins. His horse body hits Knight 2 and throws him backwards, where he bounces off the wall, unconscious.

Terry hits Knight 1 with his foam warhammer, which hurls the Knight through the arena wall, leaving a Knight-shaped hole.

Terry realizes what he's done and looks up at the King.

KING: Arrest that Centaur!

INT. LARP JAIL - BACK TO THE SCENE

TERRY: Holt told them how to make me mad. I don't know what he's doing.

JAKE: H.H. Holmes is turning him into a monster.

TERRY: Why are you still in jail? Shouldn't you have used your thief powers to break out?

JAKE: I figured I'd be so good at thieving that I didn't put any points into lockpicking, or climbing, or persuasion.

TERRY: What did you put points into?

JAKE: Knife-fighting and shooting a bow.

TERRY: You didn't bring a bow!

JAKE: I was going to. Did you know that they're really expensive?

TERRY: Yes! Everyone does!

JAKE: Seriously though, how are we going to get out of here? The only one who can free us is the King.

Trumpets sounds outside the room.

JESTER (O.S.): Make way for the King!

The Jester opens the jail door, followed by Holt who's outfit now includes a FLOWING RED CAPE and a GOLDEN CROWN!

JESTER: Kneel before King Holmes the Murderous!

JAKE: NO WAY!

INT. PRECINCT OBSERVATION ROOM - EVENING.

Gina, Rosa, Amy, Scully and Hitchcock look through the glass at the WITCH DOCTOR. The old woman sits in the interrogation room, petting a kitten.

ROSA: That's your killer?

AMY: How did she get a kitten?

SCULLY: She had it with her, and we didn't want to take it away from its mommy.

Gina growls and Scully flinches.

AMY: Why do you think she murdered three people?

HITCHCOCK: She had motive, they were stealing her soup recipes. She had means, she fed them poisoned soup. And she didn't have an alibi, because she was found cooking them into even more soup!

GINA: Okay, but could she just have been cooking a normal soup?

Hitchcock is immediately troubled.

HITCHCOCK: Uh, we never thought of that.

GINA: You're idiots!

Gina storms out.

ROSA: You should probably follow her.

AMY: Why?

ROSA: Because an admin assistant is about to interrogate a murder suspect.

AMY: OH GOD!

Amy sprints after Gina. Hitchcock turns to Rosa.

HITCHOCK: Do you want popcorn?

INT. INTERROGATION ROOM - CONT'D.

Gina bursts into the interrogation room, then slams the door behind her and locks it. Amy tries to open the door, then knocks on it politely.

Intercut with Amy outside.

AMY: Gina? You need to let me in.

GINA: No worries Ames, I've got this.

AMY: Gina, this isn't a joke.

GINA: Oh I know. I joke like I dance: undeniably.

Amy pounds on the door really hard.

AMY: OPEN THIS DOOR!

INT. PRECINCT OBSERVATION ROOM - CONT'D.

Rosa, Hitchcock and Scully all stand eating popcorn.

ROSA: This is pretty funny.

INT. INTERROGATION ROOM - DAY

GINA: Bye Amy! Captain Gina has a suspect to interrogate.

Gina walks over to the table with movie-cop level intensity.

GINA: So... are you the Witch Doctor?!

WITCH DOCTOR: (innocently) That's what the children call me, but I just make soups.

GINA: So you're a nice old lady?

WITCH DOCTOR: I love my grandkids, my soups, and my new kitty Isis.

Rosa's voice comes through the intercom.

ROSA (O.S.): That name's unfortunate.

GINA: Noted. So, will you give us your recipe?

WITCH DOCTOR: (super sweetly) Never. And if you try to take it, I'll kill you.

Gina laughs awkwardly in surprise.

GINA: What?

WITCH DOCTOR: I'll kill you like I did those three thieves. And I've got enough poison to kill everybody.

Gina turns back to the glass, horrified.

GINA: Um... I think she did it!

COMMERCIAL BREAK