BROKEN

LIFE'S NOT WORTH LIVING

*Edited*

When I turned 13, I was already in secondary school. It was a boarding house. Although my parents were Christians, I didn't know Christ, let alone serve Him. I just went to church but had no personal encounter with Christ.

I couldn't forgive myself for all the things I had done and I couldn't forgive everyone that had sexually molested me, either. I carried my burden and my monsters were around for a very long time. I was never happy because this burden was too heavy for me.
After I left James's house, we had not met in three years. On one of the holiday period, James called my line and invited me to a church programme. He said his sister was also going to be there. (I don't know how he got my phone number.) He was sure that my life would change. James... Church programme...How come? Is it the same James? Thoughts and questions were running through my mind.

James started to talk to me about Christ on the phone. "That filth was preaching to me," I thought. I was certain that he was a hypocrite and that his life could not change. Nevertheless, I decided to honour his invitation and to see things for myself.

I observed James during the programme. He spoke differently. James had changed. This was the first time I was seeing him in three years but there was something different about him that was beyond his looks. James prayed so well and gave God a wholesome worship. I felt God could forgive James because he committed only one sin but mine were so many, therefore, God cannot and shouldn't forgive me. Although the programme was powerful and inspiring, I left the church the same way I came. It was nice meeting James and Shola again.

I returned to school after the holidays, depressed like never before. I felt heavier than usual. I started to hear voices. I heard a voice within me telling me I was unworthy. The voice continued, "You are useless and your life is not worth living anymore. It would be better you take your life now and just disappear."

At the same time, another voice was telling me that I am loved and that I have a great destiny to fulfill in life. But the other voice was louder than this one. I was confused. I had conflicts inside of me. There was noise in my spirit and it made me go mad. I was losing my mind. When I couldn't bear it anymore, I ran out of my room, straight to the fire place, where heaps of debris were set ablaze. I was going to jump inside the fire, get burnt and die in the process. I was going to leave the world behind and rest in the grave.

My roommates noticed my absence in the room and started looking for me. When they found me by the fire as I was about to jump, they ran to save me. I didn't know what came over me but I just wanted to die. I screamed at them to leave me alone and let me go. Life was not worth living, anyway. But my friends held me down till I was calm. I have never felt so loved in my life until that day.

My friend, Gloria, who was a Christian, took me to her room and prayed with me. She told me about Christ but I didn't listen to her. My guilt was huge. I thought God would never forgive someone like me who had tried to commit suicide. He is too holy to come close to me. He would never forgive someone who had done what I had done with myself.

Gloria insisted and told me that God loved me and that He was ready to forgive me if only I accepted to let go of my past and surrender to Him. She never let me out of her sight. We started going to church together but I still didn't know Christ. I was losing my mind. I lost focus. I still didn't forgive myself. I still wanted to die.