Callouses

soulmates aren't real

You are worth waiting for, they say

Longing for my father
I cling to you
A figment of my memory
Pieces of every person I've met

I build you up like a doll
And play you around in my head
When the melody starts you exist
And fade when the world turns mute

You are not a person
I have not met you
But I know you so well
I can feel you moving on this earth

I know you see beauty
In everything you hold dear
I know how this world betrayed you
Like how you treat it still

I know you're dying
Just to live a real life
I know how you loved
And yet feel so numb

I know you, I know you
Still to me you are empty
I have yet to find you
Will we seek each other at all

I want to see you yesterday
Because tommorow is treacherous
I want to exist in the past
For the future keeps me fearful

I am tired of searching
My heart yearns to rest
Yet here I am pushing it
In worry that you might slip past me

But if it is true
That I have loved you
A million times before I met you
Then need not to look

We will run into each other
As robber and victim
Steal not my heart
For it is worthless

It has loved and loved and loved
Drained from every beat and blood
Take my mind instead
For thoughts will never run out

A weary heart when bitter
Will run and search for another
But the mind holds onto memories
That never have been made

My heart has tricked me
Saying I have found you
In all the men
I have met before

None of them has spoken
In ways that will make me cry
Realizing that
My father exists within you

I will speak to you
Through the stems of the stars
Need not to open my mouth
For it blurts lies and hatred

I am yearning to see you
Yet I don't want to see you at all
What if I'm wrong
And you fade into dust

Have I found you
Or have I not
Will I ever do
Or you are already gone?

What If the day I die
Is the day of your birth
And we can only speak
Through pages of a book

Then I will live a lonesome life
Waiting for nothing
Believing in the unreal
Chasing the wind

I will live that that lonesome life
In faith, hope, and trust
I may not see you
But my heart is bound to you

May or may not exist
I will love, adore, and weep
Spending it all on people
That are set to leave

Trying to love
And end up crying
I'm used to this
Because you whispered

To go and go and go
To not stop until I find you
Whether hours or decades pass
Whether I lie where one rests last

September 2019
Written on a sleepless night, after talking to the sun.