Callouses

isaac

He told me to sleep, but I stayed up all night writing about him

I live each day in fear
That it all ends tommorow
For I promised
That I'll wait it all out

How do I embed myself
In your ever so full memory
Clinging to weak strings
Breathing life to weakening heartbeats

I, a lifeless vessel
Was brought to life
In flourishing emotions
That all felt wrong

I pray, not to have you
But for strength
To endure this longing
To pass this resistance

You clog my arteries
You squeeze my brain
You hold my tongue
And cover my eyesight

I hold back
In the midst of day
Dreading the moment
I lose you again

False hope
I drink it recklessly
The thought of you is enough
To intoxicate my reasoning

I'm scared, so scared
Like the earth, I shake
Like my hands, it tremors
And weakens as it goes

These fists broke the walls
I myself built
To protect myself
From people like you

No need to lay a finger
On crumbling bricks
It cracks on its own
Crashes down your feet

Stay still, I wish
Don't wander far nor closer
Keep at arms length
Where I can reach you

Stay still, I tell myself
Won't push you away
Nor clog conversations
Keeping put, waiting.

But I had to. I had to push you away.
September 2019