Deception

twenty-three*

// we are addicted to our thoughts, we cannot change anything if we cannot change our thinking //

"The only time you fail is when you fall down and stay down." Kris quotes from somewhere this morning. She says it to me over breakfast but I don't reply.

It isn't because I don't have anything to say, I just don't think I need to say anything.

My fingers swipe across the screen of the phone in my hand, even though I'm not looking at the screen at all. My eyes are purely focused on the calendar that hangs before me. I'm not looking at anything particular on the calendar, just staring.

When my thumb stops moving, I count to ten silently. Slowly, I look down at the tiny display screen and the words make me release a deep breath.

Brian: why do you like turquoise, it's such a weird color

Brian: no seriously why can't you like something cooler

Brian: just kidding you're already cool for hanging out with me

I smile sadly. His words can always make me smile even when I feel like all I want to do is lock myself in my room and cry for hours. Even when he's gone.

Gone... Forever.

It's weird how that one word and four letters can immediately pull my mood down to the ground, and keep me there for hours on end.

With a few quick taps of my finger, the texts disappear. Gone from my life forever, just like he is.

Even though a weight seems to be lying on my chest, I manage to lift up the corners of my lips. I stand up to look for Kris, having decided to spend some sister-bonding time. Maybe it'll help me forget a little, even if it's just for a couple hours.

When I get into Kris' room, she snaps her head up so fast from her phone. "Cassidy?" She says with mild concern, which is understandable. I hardly ever get to talk to my sister about things that aren't problems.

"Hey, sis." I greet and take a seat next to her on her bed. She puts down her phone next to her and turns her body slightly so she faces me.

An awkward silence surrounds us for a while, both of us not knowing what to say. I try to conjure up some words in my mind, make a sentence and say it but when I open my mouth it feels like the words disintegrate into the air. Kris and I used to be so close when we were younger, it's strange and sad to see us fall apart as we grow older.

Problems usually make relationships tighter, but I guess it's not the same case for us.

"Want to go somewhere?" I ask. Kris' response is not immediate which makes me worry that she probably already has plans with her friends or Tom. From the corner of my eye, I can see her nod subtly. Has it been that long since we actually did something together that she's so surprised? Isn't this supposed to be what normal siblings do?

Then again, I guess there is no normal in my life anymore.

I shake the negative thoughts away, not wanting to go back to my room where I've stayed in every day after I get back from school.

Today is not the day.

I grab her hand lightly to pull her up. We go to get our coats before leaving and even though I didn't tell Kris, I already know where we can go. It almost feels like a big leap doing it, even though it probably isn't a big deal at all.

Since Kris is probably in no mood to drive, I bring us to the bus stop instead. She seems surprised but doesn't say a word, just absentmindedly follows behind me as we walk. I saw the route the other day, so I know for a fact the bus will go to the place I want us to go. We're both quiet as we wait for the bus' arrival, wanting to speak but can't think of a good conversation topic.