the things i try my hardest to hide but here it is anyway

the same old

its always the same, isnt it?

i dont understand why people want to be stable. a stable job. a stable income. a stable life. is anything stable ever good? dont you get tired of the same old things? the same routine? the same agony, over, and over?

its always been the same old things.

you wake up, wish you werent alive, then have trouble falling asleep because of your constant negative thoughts, and repeat.

you want to do something, worry about it not being good enough, then not do it in the end because of that very reason, and repeat.

you finally feel like youre happy again, a few days later something happens and you remember why youve always been so scared of being happy, youre miserable again, and repeat.

and arent you tired of seeing "and repeat" over and over again?

even the phrase "over and over" is a repeat of itself.

isnt it sad?

constant misery, constant pain, constant worry.

pain has always been a constant in my life. i tried to accept that it was. i tried to accept that ill never be happy. i tried to accept that this was just what i deserved.

but why is it that ive lived with this pain for years and am still not used to it?

thats whats make stability scary. its the way it can bite back to be the absolute opposite of what it had offered you. it brings pure, utter chaos.

why do i still feel this way? why havent i grown used to this? why do i feel like this is the worst my life has ever been?

and that is exactly why the only thing i wish was stable right now was the line that is always coupled together with a long, ringing beep.