Seventeen Little (DDLB) [ON HOLD]

Chapter 7

Tw: Anorexia, self hate, self harm

Over the few days at the studio, my stress only increased since the monthly evaluation is coming up soon. Every night, I had to force myself to stay out of my headspace while the others slip. SeungCheol didn't seem to notice anything though, and that's disappointing. I slowly distanced myself from him, avoiding his touch every now and then and making excuses for them.

I got up earlier than everyone, washed up and heads to the studio to practice on my dance and vocals. I took a 5minutes break to breathe and drink some water before continuing, ignoring the monstrous sound of my tummy,begging me for food. I stopped immediately when the laughter of the members are getting closer and sat on the chair nearby the wall, pretending to be asleep.

"Han hyung!! " SeokMin came over and shook me. "Hmm... Oh hey guys! " I faked a yawn and stretched my body, "Didn't realised I fell asleep. " I let out a sheepish smile and rubbed my eyes. "Hyung, did you come here very early? " SoonYoung asked, joining SeokMin. I shook my head. "Just probably an hour before y'all did? " The duo nodded their head and dragged me to join the others.

We started off with vocal practice which, I'll say, definitely easier than dance practice. JiHoon and BumZu hyung praised me for singing soooo well today and that made me feel little for just a bit but as usual, I forced myself not to slip into headspace. Soon it was dance practice. I swear to the stars, I hate dance practice. I always get scolded for not doing well and honestly, it gets annoying and the demons are getting louder. I let out a soft sigh and started dancing.

The music got cut off for the uptenth time and SoonYoung yelled. "Hyung! Wrong move again! " I can tell he's getting frustrated. But thankful, it's lunch in 5 minutes so he let us go for an early break. I took my lunch box with me and excused myself to go to the washroom. I stare at the mirror in disgust, hating how fat I look in the mirror. I threw the lunch box into the bin and fumbled under the sink for the blade that I stuck a few days ago.

I took the blade out and lowered my pants, leaving a few cuts on my thighs. "Fat.. Disgusting.. No one likes me... Burden..." I mumbed as I watched as the blood flow down my thighs and getting absorbed by my pants. I wiped off the blood and wore my pants back on before sticking back the blade, heading back to the studio.

I opened the door and realised the rapline members headed for their practice so I stayed at the corner and sang to 2NE1 sunbaenim's "fire" softly. I didn't realise how or when but the littles slipped into their headspace and had their cgs with them. I stopped singing and hugged my knees tightly, fighting against the little who's begging me to get out. I pinched on my arms, hoping it'll help. "Hyung, can you" "Han hyung, help me with-" Everyone was cutting each other's sentences off as they asked me to help them with their little, either taking things or watching over them.

I don't know how it happened, but my tears started flowing out of my eyes uncontrollably. I started crying loudly, asking for SeungCheol. Joshua being the third oldest, quickly ran to get SeungCheol over. The two rushed over and SeungCheol hugged me tightly. "Shh baby it's fine.. Daddy is here okay? "He stroked my hair gently, rocking me from side to side. The members were staring at me, dumbfounded. I got scared at their stares and buried my face in his chest as I continued to cry.

"D-dada, home.. Home... " I mumbled, gripping onto his shirt tightly. "Okay baby, we'll go home alright?" I nodded against his chest, sniffling. "Joshua, can you help me get his bag? I think his pacifier is inside." Joshua handed him my bag and he searched for the pacifier which was supposed to be inside. "Dada..? " I tugged on his shirt, grabbing his attention. "Yes Prince? " He looked at me and wiped my tears away before kissing my forehead.

"P-paci.. H-home.. " I mumbled and buried my face back into his chest, sucking onto my thumb. He sighed softly and made a mental note to talk to me later. "Alright guys, let's go home. We're all tired today" Everyone took their items and we headed back to the dorm.

Once we're back, SeungCheol placed me on our bed and tucked me in. "Baby? Do you remember where big Hannie keep your items? " He asked, caressing my hand with his thumb. "Un'wer bed dada... " I mumbled softly. He got off the bed and looked down under the bed, dragging the sealed box out. He ripped the tape off the box and took my pacifier – washed it thoroughly and slipped it into my mouth which I happily accepted. He then handed my bunbun to me before climbing into the bed, cuddling me. "Sleep now my Prince. Dada will wake you up for dindins. " I nodded and closed my eyes, falling asleep almost immediately.