A life without smiles

Note 3

I looked at my scars, that still hasn't faded. I thought about putting a bandaid onto it, but I don't like bandaids. So I picked out a white long-sleeved shirt to cover it up. I put on a jacket, just in case anyone tried to lift up my sleeves.

Ever since yesterday, my mom hasn't talked to me. I knew that I was wrong. So... what could I do?

Ever since I got into the car, we didn't talk at all. She didn't ask me if I was okay, or if I needed to talk. But that's okay, because I knew that it was my fault. So — I just went to school, knowing that I was guilty.

"Eve... Can we please talk?"
"Sure..."
"What's up?"
She sighed, "Do you need help?"
"With what?"
"With your mental health... I can tell that it's not the best right now."
"I'm fine, what do you mean? There's nothing wrong with me, I'm serious."
"No. Stop lying. You don't need to lie to me, I can help you. I can help you get the help you need."
"I told you I'm fine! Why you do have to keep on getting into my business. I don't need help!"
"Bitch I'm trying to fucking help you, and yet your just pushing me away? Why are you like this?"
"Let's not be friends anymore. I don't want to hurt you anymore."
Sharon went silent. That moment of silence made me realize that it was all my fault.
"Okay. If that's what you want."

I regretted it. Just like how I regretted everything else in my life.

I couldn't hold it in anymore. The tears, and the urge to die. I imagined myself standing in the middle of the street, waiting for the moment when a car would hit me. That, is what I am desperate for.

During this moment, I knew it was the right thing — the right thing to give up. Because I couldn't hold it anymore, I can't take anything. I keep on hurting people because of my struggles. I keep pushing people away because I'm scared that I'll hurt them even more. So — I did what I needed to. Right when I got back home from school, I gone to my room and wrote a suicide note.

Dear Mom,

I love you with all my heart. I'm sorry for all the hurt or pain I've given you for all the years I've lived. This is one of the reasons why I've decided to give up. My dreams, my family, my friends and — my life. I can't stand hurting people left and right. I don't want to hurt anyone anymore. I don't want to feel the pain and the guilt that I feel everyday, every second. Every time I look in the mirror, all I see is the pain that's hiding behind that face. The pain that will never be taken away. I've tried so many times — I've told myself that I'm okay, when I'm not. I try to smile everyday, even when I'm dying inside. But — those smiles, weren't showing my true happiness. Those smiles, were just — to show. It was to hide the fact that I'm slowly dying every minute. Without anyone realizing. I know that this letter will surprise you, but I'm sorry. This is all I can do to make things better for myself, and for everyone else. After all, no one needs me anyway.

From,

Your daughter

Goodbye...

There were drips of tears that dropped onto that piece of paper, making it easier to rip apart — that paper represented me, soft and easy to rip apart...

So... that night, on December 26th — I did it.

As I saw a fast car coming, I quickly ran onto the street and —