Unlovable

4. The Apology

Too fast. Our friendship is moving too fast. 

I've literally just met Ezra, and we're close. Like, she's comforted me after my nightmares, and after a sudden break down. Honestly, I'm scared. What friendship moves this fast? I'm glad we get on well, but no one is this intimate with complete strangers. I must be crazy. I trust people too fast. I'm a damn fool. I can't do this, I can't be so close to her. I can't trust someone so quickly again. 

Current status: hiding under my bed covers. 

Ezra isn't here, thank god. I don't think I could handle the embarrassment. I texted Asher in a panic this morning, but I didn't make much sense, because four minutes later, he texted me: WHAT? Fix your message because all I understood from that was the SOS and that your roommate is awesome. 

I texted him a quick nevermind, and threw my phone on my desk. Ezra knocked and said she was leaving, but I didn't respond. And now I'm here, hiding from my roommate, with who I've thoroughly embarrassed myself. 

Slowly I roll out of bed and onto the floor. I go to my dresser and get dressed in a hoodie and leggings. I trudge to the kitchen and grab a banana. As I sit down, everything seems to move ten times faster than usual. The clock ticks loudly, faster, and faster. I move around the flat in slow motion, while time goes faster. I write an email to Emill in two minutes, but when I look at the time again, it's been ten. I put on my shoes in 45 seconds, but leave for my walk 15 minutes later than planned. 

The city is busy. It's always busy. The cars going by, the bright lights of buildings, the quiet rush of the subway as I pass by. People hurrying by, chattering and mumbling, consulting devices, not taking time to look around. I hear little snippets. 'My life is ruined forever! My mom..'      'I can't right now Maya. Call me later.'        'There's no way you..'  I watch people, when no one else does. It passes time. 

That woman looks stressed. There are two young children with her, and she's carrying many bags; no wonder.

He looks so frantic. What is he searching for? I chuckle when he grabs the glasses off his head in relief. 

Those two teens look so blissful. I wonder if they know high school relationships aren't forever?

Walking sometimes leads to the best and worst stories. 

I remember when I was younger and my brother and I walked past a baseball diamond. Someone hit a ball that flew over the fence. I caught it, and gave it to Dexter, because he would love it more than I would. 

I remember walking with my father to the store, because he'd rather walk than drive anywhere. We took a shortcut through a small park, and ended up witnessing a proposal. It was beautiful, and afterward, we clapped and hooted. 

I remember escaping from my college dorm, tears streaming down my face, cold air nipping at my skin. My head was sore from screaming echoing in my brain, and my pink cheek aching from the slap. 

I remember stopping abruptly after I saw the familiar red hair entangled with someone other than me. My gasp, loud and quick, and tears aching at the backs of my eyes. Running from her pleas as she chased me. 

I remember running into Avery a few minutes ago, and now we're talking on a bench.

"I'm so happy to see you!  Last time we spoke, you were going to break up with Amber. How'd that go?" I gesture to my cheek, the bruise an ugly yellow now.

"As well as it could, I suppose." She give me a sympathetic look.

"So how are you? We actually haven't spoken much since graduation." I breathe out. My mind trickles to my breakup, to apartment searching, to Ezra embracing me, to me panicking under my blankets. "Adora? Hey?" I shake my head.