Letters To My Soldier

Letter Twenty Three

July 2019

"Hey Claire," I cooed, "Did you miss me?"

Claire chomped her gums together and blew little spit bubbles. She was the chubbiest baby in the world at only eight months old. Putting down my gym bag, I took her little hands in mine and helped her stand up.

"Ready, Claire? You're gonna make it this time, right? You're gonna be walking around early and become a professional sprinter and enter the Olympics like your big sis! Well, except, I'm in woman's basketball, not track."

It was true, I was going to try out next year for the Olympics.

Claire continued to squeal and blow bubbles while taking tentative steps around the living room as I held her up by the hands.

"Good job, Clair you're doing it-" but I guess she gave up because she plopped her little butt on the floor and pulled on my gym shorts for me to sit down.

So, I did, and continued to play with Claire on my lap until she fell asleep. Laying her down in her playpen, I turned on the baby monitor and walked in my room.

Being home for the summer after my first year away at college felt very confining. I mean, it was nice to be home with home cooked meals and spending more time with Claire, but I'm used to being independent now and definitely not used to Jess and Dean monitoring my every move when they aren't at work. They weren't in charge of every aspect of my life anymore. It was exactly that domineering attitude my father had that ruined the first real relationship I ever had.

Abby says I would see it as a good thing, eventually. That I should be grateful that Heath left when he did or else the pain and rejection would be worse.

Shit, like it wasn't still plaguing my every thought?

My grades were okay. Good enough that I didn't lose my scholarship, but definitely not as good as they usually were. Basketball season was better. By the springtime, I allowed myself to act indifferent towards my relationship with Heath, or lack thereof, yet still a little hopeful. If I focused on basketball and my new baby sister, surely there wouldn't be any time to dwell on him.

Now, it was like he was never a part of my life.

I knew that wasn't true at all.

Grabbing the shoebox, I shuffled through the old letters like I had a thousand times before.

"I thought I would get over you after sending your dog tags back," I said thoughtfully to myself. I allowed myself to remember how abruptly he left.

I gathered the letters and ripped down the middle. The sight of the letters becoming tiny scraps of paper fueled my anger at Heath and myself.

The ripping of stationary was the only sound coming from my room until Claire's soft cries reverberated through the baby monitor.

~X~X~X~X~X~X~

Things were always tense at home now, but not nearly as bad as it was that month before I left for school. Dean and I at least murmured greetings to one another.

"Hey."

"Hi."

"How was the gym?"

"Sweaty. Smelly. Sore."

"Good."

I continued to channel surf as Dean sat on the opposite end of the couch. Besides expressing his pride in me when Baylor placed 5th after last season and me earning a spot as starter again for next year, Dean and I barely interacted. There was just too much betrayal between us, on both our parts it seemed. Although, both of us never would admit it, nonetheless say sorry.