Healing

XIII - turmoil

Happy new year, everyone! I wish you all a successful and wonderful 2020.

Bel, xx

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         Jinyoung is still so shocked for what just happened that he does not stop nor thinks much for a few minutes. When all the events finally dawn on him he plants his feet firm on the ground, forcing Jaebeom to also cease moving.

"Hold on," he breathes out, trying to not get overwhelmed with everything that has happened in less than thirty minutes. From kissing Jaebeom to the argument with his sister... it's too much and he cannot deal with everything right now. "I—I'm sorry about Haeyoung noona, she... she.."

"She has no right to treat you like that," Jaebeom cuts him in, releasing his hand to stand in front of him, a hand on each of Jinyoung's shoulder

"She's my sister, she—"

"Not because she's family it means she can treat you that way. You don't deserve that!" Jaebeom raises his voice, clearly upset with Haeyoung's behaviour. "How could she say those things about you? What is wrong with her? You don't do it for attention!"

"Maybe I do..." Jinyoung murmurs. "Maybe she's right," he sighs, defeated. Haeyoung always says the same, his parents also think like that, and he fears they might be right.

Jinyoung's chest tightens, because he has never felt he wants attention. That would mean what he feels is fake, that he's pretending but that's not the case, he truly feels void. Without thinking twice he'd trade anything to feel well, to be normal. He wishes, constantly, the darkness that lurks in him would disappear and let him breathe. He wishes he could sleep. He longs to feel alive and enjoy every day. To find purpose.

However, Jinyoung just can't feel... better.

"No, she's not! You don't feel the way you do because you want attention, that's stupid!" Jaebeom looks upset, brow furrowed and he's holding Jinyoung tighter, he can feel the fingers practically gripping his bones. "You're not like that, it's like she doesn't even know you!"

"You don't know me!" Jinyoung spats, feeling upset Jaebeom speaks as if he knew him better than anyone else, and because he does not want to think of anything in his mind in that moment, he holds onto that spark of anger. "We met three days ago! How can you even speak like that?"

It's a shock for Jinyoung to remember that, he totally forgets about how much of a stranger Jaebeom actually is because when they are together it's like they've known each other for longer. And as he thinks of that he feels tricked somehow. How can Jaebeom make him feel that way?

"I—" Jaebeom stops, not finding the words. "I just know you're not what she says, and I know how much it hurts you that she says those things. It's cruel of her."

"She's my sister and you're painting her like a monster!" Jinyoung continues, because no matter what Haeyoung does or says, she is his sister and he won't let anyone badmouth her.

"I'm sorry, it just drives me crazy the way your family treats you when you're struggling!"

"You don't know my family!" Jinyoung steps back. "Why do you speak as if you do?" Jinyoung gets a bad hunch in that moment, making him feel cold and scared. He takes another step back, breaking all contact and putting more distance between the two of them. "Why did you even do that? Getting involved in my family issues?"

"Because I care about you, Jinyoungie. Don't look at me like I'm some creep... please."

"We are virtual strangers! How can you care like that about someone you barely know?" Jinyoung refutes, confused because logic tells him it's not normal.