So, Here I Am

Chapter Eleven Self Preservation Mode

The twins, as usual, went back to their busy schedule in L.A., and around the world.   Soraya went back to work, and Maggie to her business, charity work and events.   She realised she hadn't talked to A.J. in a while, not properly, but he was busy with his life as well.   She would give him a call before she got waylayed with other stuff.   She noted the time, thinking she had to hurry, as she was meeting Soraya for lunch.   They hadn't talked since Auntie B's, and she was looking forward to hearing what was going on her head, about Larry, about everything.          They met at their favourite restaurant in the Shard, and had a table by the window, to make the most of the incredible views.   

Maggie "Hello sweetie, how are you ? You look stunning, as usual"

Soraya " Thank you. Good, how are you ?"

They held hands across the table briefly, two female friends showing their obvious affection for each other.   The waiter brought their drinks.

Maggie "OK, spill ! You two make a helluva lot of noise, sheesh !! " she scolded, but laughing.

"Sorry, I told him to shut up, but it's impossible to keep that man quiet !" she replied, sheepishly.

" It's ok, I was otherwise engaged myself", Maggie added, feeling the heat rising in her face at the memory of Laurent making love to her, and how he had made her feel that night.

Soraya "Now your turn to spill !"

Maggie didn't know how to describe it, not that she would in any detail, even to Raya, she felt like she would be betraying a confidence, a secret, something that was hers and Laurent's alone, that she didn't want anyone else to know.

"It was ..... sweet .......and tender......" Soraya was fake putting her fingers in her throat, and giggling at how slightly embarrassed Maggie was being, then it occurred to her

" You really like him, don't you ? That's why you don't want to say anything, it was a big deal"

" Yes, it was. I don't want to do anything stupid, or hasty, that might spoil it, you know ? I gave him this lecture about "don't hurt me, this is a big deal, don't play with my emotions" shit, and he was lovely about it."

Soraya "What, that night ?"

"Yeah, before anything got out of hand, before it was too late to stop. I had to be honest Raya, then he couldn't say, at some point down the road, that he didn't know "

"Do you think he'd do that, Maggie ? You sound like it's inevitible. That's so sad, you're usually so " glass half full ". I think he's genuine, you can see by the way he looks at you. He likes, loves, you more than you think.  Have you heard from them lately ?"   She had said "them"

"Haven't you heard from Larry ?"

"No, just a couple of texts about where they are, what they're doing".   Soraya looked out of the window, not wanting to show she was more than slightly upset at Larry's lack of attention.  Maggie switched to mumma mode now.

"You didn't give him much of a clue as to how you felt about him when he was here, Raya.  What do you think all that was about at Auntie B's, me dancing with him and shit.  He wanted to get a reaction from you, see how you felt."

"Ohh! I thought it was to get a reaction from Laurent !!"

Maggie "Maybe he thinks you're not that interested in him as more than a fuck buddy.   Maybe he wants, needs more from you than that."

Soraya "That's all I got right now" she said playing with her silverware.

Maggie "You know, I've got a theory about you, Raya, and I know I'm right, because I do it, too. I call it "Self preservation mode".   When you and A.J. fell SO hard for each other, you got to a certain point where you felt you couldn't control how deeply in love you were, it was getting way too much, too soon.  So you cheated on him, so you wouldn't feel out of control, wouldn't fall any harder than you already had.   And you knew by doing that, he wouldn't feel any more for you either.   You went into self preservation mode.   I think that's what you're doing with Larry.   You guys could have a really good, healthy relationship, but you don't want it to get out of control again, so you're pulling back. "

She stopped to sigh now, at the thought of both her friends hurting, and being hurt, by each other.   She continued

"But you have to be honest with him, Soraya, you owe him at least that.  When you cheated on A.J., it broke him in two.   He forgave you really quickly.   Me?   Took me a lot longer.   But if he could do it, so could I"

Soraya was playing with her napkin now, scrunching up her nose to stop the sensation of tears pricking at her eyes.

" I will always love him, Maggie. He will always have a piece of my heart."

They smile at each other, aware that no matter what happens between them, their families, they will always be friends, mother, daughter, sisters.

And with that, they make a toast to the men in their life they love, have loved, and always will.