Way Down I'll Go

Death, be not Proud

Jo awoke to a small hand patting his cheek.

"Why are you on the couch, Jo?"

Nights had never been his favorite, but between the vomiting and the nightmares, he was close to swearing them off completely. Rachel never once conveyed anything but compassion and patience, but he could tell she was tired each morning from his antics. So he'd banished himself to the couch in hope that she could get some sleep.

"Couldn't sleep, buddy," he mumbled, throat raw.

"Me either."

He scooped Adam up with one arm and pulled the blanket over them, wrapping his arms around the little boy. They were quiet and Jo began to doze off again.

"Jo?"

He startled, then yawned.

"Yeah?"

"I'm scared."

Jo placed a soft kiss on the back of his head.

"About what?"

"That you're going to die in the surgery tomorrow."

Jo squeezed him just a bit tighter.

"I know it's scary, kiddo. But...the surgery is my best chance at not dying, even though it's risky."

"Okay."

Apparently finding that answer sufficient, Adam nestled closer to Jo and his breathing began to even out.

"I love you, dad," he whispered sleepily.

Jo's heart clenched at the word, but he didn't correct the boy. Adam drifted off quickly, but sleep was no longer in the cards for Jo. After a few minutes, he carried the child back to his bed and tucked him in, closing the door carefully.

"You coming back to bed?"

She looked like a fairy creature in the waning moonlight, her petit frame encased in satin and hair cascading like an aureate waterfall over her shoulders. He covered the distance between them and wrapped her in his arms.

"Did I wake you? I'm sorry."

"It's okay, baby. Not sleeping well, tonight?"

He shook his head.

"Nightmares?" she asked gently.

Since telling Rachel about his past, the nightmares had become increasingly vivid and terrifying. They'd talk about them each time, tears would come for both of them, and Rachel would hold him until he fell asleep again, only to be awoken by another. At her prompting, he'd gone to see Tim again, and they had been working through that chapter of his childhood in his sessions. Slowly, but surely, the nightly torture had begun to recede. He now had more good nights than bad ones. But tonight hadn't been great.

He kissed the top of her head, still marveling at her presence.

"You know, I don't want to waste tonight on this," he said suddenly.

He swept her up into his arms and carried her through the door to their room, depositing her gently in the bed. She looked up at him quizzically as he slid in beside her, propping himself on one elbow.

"In about five hours, I'm going to be shutting my eyes, possibly for the last time-" he placed a finger on her protesting lips and continued. "We both know I might not make it. The only reason they're attempting it is because it's spreading so fast, right? So I'm a goner either way."

"Jo..."

"It's okay, Rach. Weirdly enough, I'm not even scared. But...if this is my last night on earth, I don't want to spend it thinking about my past. I want to spend it with you."