Confessions of a Teenage Caffeine Addict

2 // Problems

You say that you love rain, but you open your umbrella when it rains.

You say that you love the sun, but you find a shadow spot when the sun shines.

You say that you love the wind, but you close your windows when wind blows.

This is why I am afraid, you say that you love me too. —Bob Marley

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JAKE

DECEMBER // WEEK 1

I should have walked over to her, but my legs were locked, as if someone had put super glue between my muscles and joints. I was completely immobiliZed and my chest was tight like I was having trouble breathing, which saved me from actually having to say something.

If my life were a movie, this would have been the part where the main character said something clever, or witty, or thoroughly heart wrenching. Preferably he'd tell her something sappy and cute that would fix everything. Something like, "everything is going to be alright" or "we'll get through this together." The lead actor would tell his love interest that they would be happy because they love each other—and their undying love for one another was all that would ever matter. Then the movie would end and the director would roll a cheesy 'five years later' caption to show the couple with their blonde, smiling kid looking like the happiest, most perfect family in the world.

I seriously doubted my life would turn out like the character in the movie's life, mostly because I didn't love Jules. I didn't even know if I loved this baby yet. I'd never loved anyone besides my parents and the rest of my family... and now this baby was supposed to be my family whether I loved it it or not. I ran my fingers through my hair, trying to think of a response. 

Say something, Jake! Dammit! 

My grasp tightened around a few locks as I willed myself to speak.

I didn't tell her I loved her. And I didn't tell her everything would be okay. Because it wouldn't be. Because real life wasn't like the movies—it wasn't a fairy tale. My life as I knew it was virtually over. My hockey career... Done. Social life? Finished. I would be disowned by my parents if they ever found out.

I looked at Julianne. Seeing her standing there in my hockey shirt looking heartbroken, crestfallen, and scared shitless, reminded me of the time I missed the goal to tie the game up at States freshman year. I was 3 inches off the top right corner of the goal and had let everyone else down. 

Okay, stop thinking about hockey, Jake. That's not your biggest problem right now. 

Though, I wished it was.

"Come here, Princess," I whispered. Out of all the endless combinations of words in the English dictionary, that was all I managed say to her. I held out my arms and she crawled into them wordlessly, leaning her head on my shoulder. She still held her pregnancy tests in a death grip, like they were made of glass and she couldn't let them fall. I coaxed them from her tight fist and wrapped my arms around her, pulling her tiny body against mine. We stayed like that for God knows how long. I breathed in her everlasting scent of honeysuckle and tried to steady my mind. Jules was still sobbing when her dad burst into her room, causing both of us to nearly fall off her bed.

"Jesus Christ, Julianne! It's just a damn history paper, for God sakes!" he said throwing his arms out in front of him for emphasis. He turned towards me, with an angry scowl. "Would you calm her down, already? I have a conference call in five minutes. And put some food in her, dammit, Jake!" He shot me one last menacing glare before leaving, making sure to close the door extra hard. I highly doubted he had a conference call. Ten bucks said he just wanted to watch the basketball game downstairs.