Lady Hyacinth Grimm vs the Nautilus

Chapter 1: In Which Hiccups are Cured

They say that when a wise man faces death he will reflect upon his life and choices. When Lady Hyacinth Grimm faced a forty-ton octopus shaking her submarine like a maraca, she reflected on her life and decided this was all her mother's fault.

~~~

When her twin daughters turned six, Lady Delphinium Grimm summoned them to the sitting room. As she was of the opinion that children should not be seen or heard, especially by their parents, this was a momentous occasion. She arrived in a flurry of lab coats and petticoats, and her daughters gazed up at her.

Lily, a golden-haired cherub, curled her hair around her fingers and smoothed her dress. Appearance was very important, she had learned, especially when it came to getting out of trouble.

Hyacinth, a square-jawed girl whose hair had gone straight past strawberry blond to carrots, tried to stuff an entire meat pasty into her mouth at once. With her other hand she clung to the leg of her Frankenstein's Abomination of Science.

"Ladies, it is time that I explained to you how the world really works, instead of the fairy tales your nannies and father have been telling you. You have good breeding and wealth. To succeed in this world you need only beauty or intelligence. Lilly, you have both, so you must choose."

Lilly pouted and looked up through her eyelashes. "Why do I have to choose, mumsy?"

"A professional woman must always be thinking, and thinking causes unsightly wrinkles, particularly between the brows. Why, if my research into plant toxins hadn't paralyzed my upper face, I would look my real age. Not even your father could overlook such a flaw."

The twins thought this through; as they did a wrinkle appeared between their brows. Lilly said, "All right. Which will make me richer?"

"Beauty, without a doubt. It is much easier to bend men to your will than the physical laws of the universe."

"Okay." Lilly chose to use her beauty to snare a rich husband and was guaranteed success in life.

Hyacinth glanced up at her Abomination of Science. The grey humanoid crouched beside her and said, "Go on, young mistress."

Unfortunately, he said it in Cantonese, which Delphinium thought was a gibberish language. The lady would have furrowed her brow if her face were capable of it. Her husband insisted that speaking nonsense gave the Abomination 'personality', as if that was a desirable trait in a lady's companion, but Delphinium called it shoddy craftsmanship. At least the nanny had impressed upon Hyacinth that was no longer to speak gibberish back.

Hyacinth squared her little shoulders. "Now it's my turn to choose?"

"Elder gods, no. You have neither beauty nor brilliance, so it is best to resign yourself right now to spinsterhood and mediocrity."

Little Hyacinth scowled with her entire body, red face nearly disappearing between her hunched shoulders. Then she began to scream at a volume and pitch that would impress an opera singer.

"There is no use struggling against fate," Delphinium said loudly. "You will never succeed."

Hyacinth decided to spend her life proving her mother wrong.

~~~

As she grew into a young adult, Hyacinth was forced to concede that she would never have the dewy skin, rosebud lips and flowing black tresses of the heroines in her romance novels. Her curvy figure refused to conform to an hourglass shape, even with the best new corseting technology attempting to rearrange her internal organs. She didn't excel in her lessons either, even though she stole her father's experimental smart pills. Still, Hyacinth had an ace up her sleeve: you didn't need intelligence or beauty to be a great scientist and go on romantic adventures. All you really needed was madness.