Lady Hyacinth Grimm vs the Nautilus

Chapter 3: The Inexhaustible Portal

Another woman might think twice about traveling 20,000 leagues under the seas, particularly after such a streak of bad luck. Hyacinth didn't believe in luck or ghosts or pattern recognition, so she bought a new wardrobe and prepared for the voyage.

Widowmaker's Captain Chilton met Lady Hyacinth Grimm at the docks with the pale-faced determination of a man going to his own execution. When it came to mad scientists, he was convinced that the female of the species was deadlier than the male, and that was disregarding the scuttlebutt on the docks about this particular specimen. The fact that he was kept waiting for two hours did not surprise him: in his experience nobles rarely concerned themselves with trivialities such as the tides, and they used watch gears for decoration rather than their original purpose.

When the coach-and-four arrived, the first out was a young gentleman with a cane. Next was an Abomination of Science, which was a mixed bag: they stank to high heaven, but at least they were strong, dependable and unlikely to turn on their creators. The Abomination offered his hand to a sturdy young woman of perhaps twenty-five while the driver and an assistant unloaded trunks and valises.

The gentleman with the cane flung his arms open. "Chilton, old chap! So good to see you, it's been a dog's age."

The voice tickled a memory.Chilton was certain he'd been introduced to this man before. The governor's luncheon, hadn't it been?

"Lord Humpsbitter, good to meet you again," he said, sticking out his hand to forestall a warmer greeting. The gentleman pumped his hand five times. "I was expecting Professor Hanofer?"

"The old goat came down with the sniffles and is moaning as if he has the plague. It was a scramble to find anyone else for the introductions, but here I am." He flung his arm back, forcing the Abomination to duck under his cane. "Hyacinth, old girl, I'd like you to meet my dear friend Captain Chilton. Chilton, this is my third cousin, Lady Hyacinth Grimm. She's a Mad Scientist Fourth--ow!"

"--cousin," Hyacinth said, smiling as though she hadn't just stomped her cousin's foot hard enough to break a toe. Or possibly smiling because she just had; you never knew with a mad scientist. "We're third and fourth cousins."

The gentleman took a step away from Hyacinth. "The old girl's right. Ever since Aunt Persimmon remarried the family tree has had fewer branches and more pineapples, if you take my meaning. Oh, and this jolly one here is Bom-bom. My dear cousin has had them since before she could say abomination, and the name stuck."

Chilton had never been introduced to a lady's companion before and was unsure of the proper etiquette, so he offered his hand. The Abomination of Science's handshake was firm, trustworthy, and clammy.

"So good of you to come all this way, Lord Humpsbitter. But the tide waits for no man, so we must be on our way." He pointed a couple of sailors at the stack of trunks that was now taller than Hyacinth. He hoped they would all fit in her cabin and lab.

"But my luggage hasn't arrived yet," Hyacinth said. Her voice had a nasal quality that reminded the captain of his younger sister. When she was four.

"Are these not yours?"

"These are my lab outfits. My frocks have not yet arrived."

As she spoke, an overloaded two-horse cart pulled up. A stack of suitcases wobbled, swayed, and crashed down on top of the driver; some of them spilled open in a sea of skirts and gowns. Chilton could barely hear the driver's cries for help, muffled as they were by satin and chiffon.

"My lady, you will sink us."

"Nonsense and poppycock. Only superstitious sailors would think that being on two ships that sank means the next one will as well. Besides, a submersible is designed to sink, is it not?"