On my way

CHAPTER 4 : A big walk

There, I begin a chapter difficult for me to write. To tell you the truth, I am only pushing back his writing but it's important that I tell you about it because everything is not all rosy in a journey ...

Five years ago, I started to suffer from quite significant anxiety.

I remember the first time it happened to me, I was in history class and I suddenly felt what I call "a dream feeling". That is to say, I was unable to say whether what I was doing in class at the time was real or whether I was sleeping and dreaming about it. To give you an idea, this sensation resembles a feeling of deja-vu. On top of that, my eyesight started to blur and I was much more receptive to the light; it bothered me. I heard the sounds around me louder and dull. My head was heavy. I was having an anxiety attack.

At that time, I had only one idea in mind: to put myself in a ball! And yet, I don't know why; I must say that it did not come to the idea of ​​going out of class; I could have but I thought it would pass.

Then this horrible feeling was repeated, again, again and again until I could no longer go to class, and then did not leave the house at all.

I would remember three panic attacks in my life:

The first happened on December 14, 2017 around 8:30 p.m. (yes, I remember the exact time, to tell you how traumatized it was).

I have a little brother who was 6 years old at the time. I had offered to read her a story that evening. As I read to him, I started to shout; I felt all the feelings mentioned earlier but much stronger than usual. I abandoned my brother, scared of me, and ran to my bed. The mental pain was so strong; I thought I was dying, really. I curled up in my bed and didn't move overnight.

The second panic attack of my life takes place the day after the first, December 15, 2017. That day, I was on my guard all day so I was afraid that it would start again. My parents wanted to go to the Christmas market in a town near my home, I went there with them.

I know what you're going to say: Why are you going there if you're so scared? Simply because my mom, very worried, had promised me that I would have two gerbils (little rodents) if I managed to go. It was one of my dreams. I've wanted it since I was a little girl. She convinced me and I went there. I was horribly scared. Really. But did I have a choice? I did not want to disappoint my parents.

On the spot, as you can imagine, I had a panic attack. The same as the day before except that this time I wasn't at home, I could run to my bed. There was a ten minutes walk between the car where I wanted to take refuge and the Christmas market. It was the longest ten minutes of my life. I was screaming in the street without being able to control myself. I was tired from walking so fast but I couldn't stop, otherwise the suffering will last longer ... When I arrive at my destination, it is a relief and I manage to calm down a little.

After these two incidents, I fell into depression. I think it has been the most difficult period to date. Since then, I have been afraid to go out at night (the two events having occurred at night, I think it is linked), even when I am inside at night, it is difficult. Winter is therefore a horrible time of year for me because the days are short.

The third biggest panic attack I have experienced is fairly recent, frankly. It happened on August 11, 2019. That day, I went on holiday with my family in order to go to Marineland Antibes, the next day for the first time.

We had a ten hour drive to reach our destination. We left in the morning and arrived in Antibes in the evening. I was exhausted.

As we have nothing to do for the rest of the evening, my parents decided to go for a walk at the Promenade des Anglais in Nice. The night. I was already very tired, I remind you. You are right, it did not go well. The passers-by looked at me oddly. I would be so strong fists that I was bleeding. I felt so weak that I was afraid that someone would attack me for this reason, like a wild animal. I had to wait two hours before returning to the hotel to calm down. Two hours. Do you realize?

I was very scared for the next day, I wanted to go to Marineland so much but I did not feel capable of it. I thought about it all night and still decided to go there and I don't regret it; it was one of the happiest days of my life.

These animals motivated me to go out, to regain confidence and I would never thank them enough for that. They make me do things that I didn't know I could do. I love them so much.

The following school year, I was able to return to high school, in boarding school! It didn't last long, but I went there, I succeeded so thank you, for everything.

I am thinking in particular of Wikie (see chapter 6) which brings me so much strength. Today, I'm still in doubt, I still have my handicap and it's hard but I still believe in it. Becoming a marine mammal trainer is my dream, and this handicap is a big walk, a great difficulty to pass and having written all this, I took a step back and I realized that I was not weak but strong! I am a strong person! I took big slaps but I got up each time and I keep fighting.

I have only one piece of advice to give: Believe in the beauty of your dream!

©The picture is not mine