everything isn't just perfect / Tracy Beaker

7 / what hurts the most

C a m

I just sat next to Tracy and watched her sleep. What was hurting her so much that she thought this would be the answer? Maybe she wasn't looking for an answer.. Maybe she was looking for something that would distract her from her other hurts. 

"Cam?" I looked up and saw Shelley standing beside me. She rubbed my back softly for a bit and I sighed as tears filled my eyes.

"I didn't realize how badly she was hurting.. I thought she just needed space and eventually she will see.."

"Oh Cam." Shelley cooed softly as she rubbed my back. "She's going to be okay, she will." I wiped my eyes softly with a nod.

"You know how much she means to me, not you?" I asked softly as I looked over at Shelley who nodded. "I have been more of a Mother to Tracy than that woman will ever be.. Why can't she see that?" I whispered that as I slightly pointed to Tracy.

Shelley nodded slightly and swallowed hard. "She's just scared, Cam.. She is scared you might do the same thing."

"I would never.."

"We know that but Tracy is going to have to learn that." She responded softly and she stood up with a sigh. "Tracy is strong because of what she has been through, I am confident she can get through this huddle too." 

I sat back in the chair and nodded.

"She won't be waking up tonight.." Shelley stated softly as she walked to the window and I looked up at Shelley who tried to smile.

"Shelley.."

"You are her Mum.." Shelley whispered as she leaned against the window. "On paper or not, you will always be that."

I nodded as I put myself together and leaned my head on them as I watched Tracy's stomach rise up and down. "I'm here for you." I whispered softly to Tracy as Shelley walked out of the room to get some food. "I'm not going anywhere and I will never abandon you."

I knew it was silly because she couldn't hear me but I hoped it would still. "I want to fix this, I really do.. If I had to jump into a pool of water for you, I would do it in a heart beat because my fear of water wouldn't matter as long as you were okay."

A knock startled me and I jumped a little as I turned around like I was caught doing something bad. "Hi, I am Janis and will be Tracy's doctor for the night." She spoke gently as she sat down next to me and smiled at me.

"I am Cam.. Tracy's-"

"Mum." She finished for me as she looked down at her notes and I nodded slightly. "Shelley told me you were."

"Yeah I was going to adopt her and still am." I said with a nod and she nodded. "How can I help?" I asked softly as I held Tracy's warm hand into mine and kissed it. "How can I show Tracy that she has me and she will always have me?"

She put down her notes and crossed her legs as her eyes gazed over to Tracy's face. "I think you are doing it all the time, Cam." She whispered as she looked over at me again. "You are holding her hand through this and although she might be refusing that right now, she will see no matter how much she pushes you away - you will come back to her no matter what."

Tears slowly fell down my eyes and she handed me a tissue. 

"There's a lot of pain that she is going to have to face.." Janis whispered as she leaned forward and placed her hand on my arm. "And it will take time for her to process it - then to learn to move from it all."

She then stood up and picked up her notes then she smiled warmly at me. 

"We have decided to put her on some antidepressants and have got her an appointment with a therapist each week to help her through this tough time." Janis explained gently as she handed me some papers with a sad smile.

"Thanks Janis." I whispered and she nodded as she walked back out of the room. I rested my head against the chair I was sitting on and kept my hand on top of Tracy's arm.

"I am here, Trac." I whispered as I closed my eyes as tiredness hit from all the emotions.

The next day

T r a c y

Cam watched me quietly as I sat there staring at the lunch emotionless. "Tracy, we will be allowed to head back to the DG after lunch." Cam whispered softly next to me and she knew not to expect an response. "The food doesn't look too good, I will get you something nice on the way back." She stood up with a sigh and walked over to my bag that Shelley brought over before she left to go to the Dumping Ground.

She grabbed the bag and moved my table away from me, then softly plopped the bag next to me as I held my bandaged arm. "I will wait outside and let the nurses know we are ready to go." She whispered as she slowly backed out of my room and closed the door gently behind her. I sighed as I got out of bed and got out of my gown then I walked over to the window to look out of for a moment.

Being on these meds really made me feel super groggily and out of it so when a knock and my door opened suddenly, I jumped a little. Cam's eyes looked concerned as she slowly walked over and I heard a little sigh come from her. "Sorry, I didn't mean to scare you. It's been a while though and I was worried."

I looked down as I walked slowly over as I held my bandaged arm close to my chest. Cam picked up my bag and placed down my shoes onto the floor. I slipped my feet slowly into them as a nurse walked in with a smile.

"Okay Tracy, you are all set to go." She handed Cam the packet of antidepressants and nodded towards me. "Lovely weather out, enjoy it!" With that, she walked out and Cam's attention went back to me.

"Let's get out of here." She whispered and I followed her through the hospital, and out of the door into the cold, winter air. But the sun did feel nice on my face and I let out a breath I didn't realise I was holding onto. "Tracy?"

My eyes gazed over to Cam who was standing next to her buggy concerned and I sighed as I walked to the passenger side, then got inside as Cam did the same.

C a m

I was warned that the antidepressants would make Tracy withdrawn and out of it for a few days while her body adjusts. But it was still so difficuit to see her like this especially when we were now disconnected from each other. I drove through the streets of London as the radio softly played music and I kept gazing over to Tracy who was slowly but surely dozing off.

"I know I said I would get you some proper food but I wasn't sure what you felt like.." I softly spoke and her eyes slowly opened up again. She shrugged as a response and I nodded. "Maybe later we can order something in, unless Duke makes something good." I laughed at myself but no response from Tracy as I pulled carefully into the Dumping Ground. After I parked, Tracy slowly got herself out and I got out as I followed her inside.

It was quiet inside and I think it was because Shelley took the kids out while Tracy adjusted back. Mike came around the corner with Crash behind him, but Tracy ignored both as she walked up the stairs and headed to her room.

"How is she?" Mike greeted me with half a hug as Crash leaned against the wall sadly.

"She's very out of it right now." I answered as I looked at both of them with a sad smile. "The nurse explained she will probably be sleeping a lot the next few days while she adjusts to the anti depressants. In a few days time, she will be seeing a therapist so hopefully that helps her too."

Crash turned around and walked the other way as my eyes gazed back to Mikes' who rubbed my shoulder gently. "She hasn't eaten much today either, Mike. But the nurse also said she might not have an appetite until later tonight."

"That makes sense." Mike agreed gently as he guided me to the office and sat me down. "How are you, Cam?"

I laughed sadly and then sighed. "This has been really hard. She is the toughest kid I have ever known and it's really hard seeing her like this."

Mike nodded.

"You know what hurts the most?" I whispered after a short silence and he looked at me with curiousity. "Knowing all Tracy wants is to be loved by someone but she just doesn't know that the love doesn't just come from someone who gave birth to her."

- - -