Me, Myself, and Fucking Feelings (Chapter 1)

Chapter 1. Living A Fucking Nightmare

She was crying hysterically in bed. She couldn't get out. She didn't wanna talk to anyone. She had gotten to a point where she couldn't do anything. Depression. Bipolar. Mania. It was fucking driving her crazy.

She couldn't even talk to her boyfriend. Who she met like a week ago and already started dating.

She woke up at 4pm today because last night she took her sleepy meds around midnight. She was going to try and wake up at 6am so she'd go to sleep early tonight but that didn't happen. She woke up at fucking 4pm.

When she woke up, she felt dry as fuck. Dead as fuck. Dead on the inside. But she managed to get into the shower and get dressed to go to a cafe and apply to jobs.

Which she did. She applied to like 10. Some were cool. But she could barely sit at the cafe. She felt so depressed that all she wanted to do was go back home and lie in bed or anything that meant doing nothing.

On her way home, she say someone smoking a vape. She also stopped to look at a sign at the little store on the corner. A beer was only a dollar and change. She wanted to do it so badly but she just kept walking.

She got home and worked on a song. She produces beats on her computer. She did that for a bit and it got her mind off things for a little. But her attention span was very short at the moment so she stopped and laid down. She was getting irritated that she wasn't seeing her boyfriend enough. She just wanted someone to hang with. Just hang. Do shit together. Like she used to with Michael or Tisha. Her best friends from Florida. But she didn't want to blame her boyfriend and she didn't. She didn't blame anyone. It was just a shitty situation.

So she texts her boyfriend she wanted more friends. That was her way of telling him she wanted to see him more. Which she ended up saying. And he said he'd drop some things to see her more. But she didn't want that. She wanted to join him in the things he had to do. She didn't want to him to stop doing things. She wanted him to start inviting her to join him.

He said he'd hit her up when he finished up at his grandpas. She told him she was gonna disconnect from her phone. She put on music and put her phone down. She instantly started bawling. Crying. Weeping. Covering her head with her blanket and squeezing her pillow. Kicking her legs because she was frustrated and it distracted her from her mind. She also laid so still that she could feel the discomfort in her body. She could feel a weight in her entire body. It tingled. She looked at her wrist and forearm and touched it. She wanted to cut so she could feel something. She wanted so badly not to feel so empty or "ded inside" as she called it. She surrendered to the depression and let it take her for the rest of the night. She lied in bed, lifeless. Hopeless. Empty. She cried. She felt it all. Hoping something would save her. Anything. But deep down she knows that nothing can. Not even herself. No one is in control.

But then she picked up her phone because she noticed she had gotten a text from Tisha. One of her best friends. She listened to the voice message. Tisha had said how it's funny that they both experience emotions at the same time. When Tisha is sad, Jen is sad. Or when Tisha is happy, Jen is happy. She said she wished she wasn't a human because it sucks. She wishes she was a whale. Or a dog because they don't feel pain. Then she said well dogs feel pain in china. Jen loved Tisha. She thought Tisha was hilarious and said the most interestingly funny things a lot. Too bad bad they don't live in the same city anymore.

Two hours later. Still listening to music. She wanted so badly to feel anything. To be distracted. She really wanted to cut her self. And she hadn't done that since she was a kid. She just really wanted to be distracted. She wanted a beer or five. She wanted someone to fuck the shit out of her or even fuck her nicely. Anything to make her feel something other than what she was feeling. She hated being in her body right now. But she didn't indulge in any of these wishes. She laid there. She just laid there in the pain.