IF WE WERE MEANT TO BE // Billie Eilish

Chapter Thirty One - An intrinsic fear inside of me

Billie's PoV:

"What are you doing here?" She asks.

She looks at me in the eye and I'm already lost in her all over again, no matter how hard I try to put up a front. "I have a show in London tonight." I eventually answer, feeling dumb and embarrassed for going off into a daze.

"That's not what I mean." She replies. Her voice is hard and emotionless, the complete opposite of me internally. "Don't look so disappointed in my lack of warm reception." She scoffs. After two months, I thought our conversation would be different. It feels like she's a stranger.

"Yo, I didn't do shit to you so why are you acting like a dick?" I scowl back.

"You should go."

"Bro, are you serious?" I laugh in disbelief. "You told me you were in love with me then walked away like I was nothing." I continue, outraged and pissed off.

"Billie, lower your voice." She responds sternly. I hate doing what she says right now of all moments, but I notice people starting to look up at us.

"You're a piece of shit, you know that?" I scoff, much lower in volume.

I can see emotion hiding behind her dead eyes, but she refuses to let anything slip out - she's always been far too good at that.

"Do you know what happened when I walked out of my apartment that day?" She asks, anger filling up inside her. I feel small and vulnerable, clearly in the dark to what she's talking about. "There were fans and paparazzi the second I got outside. I was being filmed and questioned and grabbed by a crowd of strangers. People were interrogating me about the ambulance and the man on the stretcher and do you know what they were asking? They wanted to know if Luke was my boyfriend. They wanted to know if I was cheating on him with you. And after reading that letter that he wrote, and why he did what he did, I couldn't-" She stops herself to control the emotion starting to fill up inside her. "I had just lost my best friend who had been by myself since I was 4 years old. And it was being live-streamed and written about in articles. And I blamed myself. And every fucking post felt like I was being stabbed in my chest." 

She pauses for a moment, calming herself to an almost sedative state. "I didn't leave you because of us, Billie. I left because all I could think about was him. Nothing else mattered to me anymore."

I'm stuck for words, beating myself up internally. How could I be so angry and hurt by her? How was I so selfish to only think about me? I knew that Luke was her version of my Finneas and I can't even begin to imagine losing him. I can see how broken she is and all I want to do is kiss her and hold her but I feel trapped in my own body that's frozen, standing a metre away from her.

"Hi, Miss Kingston?" A stranger asks, approaching us. Instantly, like a flip switching inside of her, Francis gives a beaming smile. They talk for a few minutes and I just stand there, lost in thought as I finally process the pain that she's been suffering this whole time. I've been touring and doing shows whilst she's been in London, alone with her soul consuming thoughts. I think about all the times she supported me through panic attacks and how when I knew that she was in her darkest mind, I didn't give her that same care.

When the stranger leaves, she turns back to me, her cold, expressionless face returning.

"How long have you been here in London?" I ask. I want her to say that she was with Madison and Grayson at first, so I know that she had emotional support.

"I left LA the day of his funeral." She answers in a straight tone. I remember Finneas going - it was the next day after his death. 'Fuck' is literally screaming through my body.

"I love you." I blurt out uncontrollably. Her wholes body tenses and her jaws clenches. "Can we talk after my show?"

"No." She replies quickly and bluntly. 

"I just wanna talk, man."

Her breath starts to shake and she whispers slowly, "When I look at you, all I see is how I chose you over him and it kills me. I can't let those thoughts back into my mind."

No words form in my mouth as a response; I stand there, completely stunned. 

"Please go. Don't come back here."

And with that, she walks off until she is out of view. 

***

"So, the next song I'm going to be singing is one where I wanna ask you guys to put your phones away and just be in this moment with me." I say into the microphone in front of the crowd. "Any of the other songs tonight you can post on social media and whatever, but please just keep that shit away for this one song."

I close my eyes and begin to sing 'Hostage', the song I wrote for Francis. The words have a new meaning for me, showing me what I'll never be able to do again. On the line 'you're all I wanted, just let me hold you', a tear falls down my cheek. The crowd see it on the big screens and start to scream in love and support. I give a pained laugh and try to keep singing, but my voice keeps cutting out. 

I reach the point where I can't sing due to my emotions being so high - each word feels like it's wrenching my heart. My throat feels like its on fire and my chest feels like it's being weighed down. The music stops as Finneas and my drummer realise I'm not singing. 

I suddenly become very aware of the crowd. I think back to when Francis was telling me about being surrounded by people after losing Luke and I'm starting to understand the true horror of it. I feel exposed and vulnerable, the blinding lights and shouting violating me.

Unable to take it anymore, I stand up and run off stage, collapsing as I reach the wings. 

There is an intrinsic fear inside of me that I will never find someone like Francis ever again. I don't think it's even possible for my heart to give as much love to anyone else as it would to her if it could. 

Finneas crouches down beside me, knowing what happened today at the gallery. He softly brushes my hair and calms me. "Get me some water." He calls.

A few seconds later, a water bottle is offered to me. Taking it, I look up to thank the person and freeze.

Elliott gives me a smirk as the water falls out of my grasp.

"I didn't think Claudia would be coming back to London so soon. Great show, by the way." She sneers.

A/N: what do we think???

btw since i updated lots of people have been commenting on my story and i just wanted to say i really appreciate it and it makes me so happy to read them all so thank you :)

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